Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2005, at 20:02:43
In reply to Re: Bad Session with T » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 19, 2005, at 19:52:46
I don't know if I thought he was cold. I thought he didn't like me. I thought he didn't want to like me. I thought he actually felt contempt for me.
I thought he was a psychobabbly idiot, a real life Stuart Smalley. I thought he was unbelievably irresponsible at times (forgetting to call me back when we had scheduled a call at a time I was suicidal in postpartum depression). I hated him for a while for telling my psychiatrist whatever he told him to lead him to believe I was schizotypal and for the psychiatrist to tell me that I would never be able to feel the things that normal people feel.
I was angry enough with him to try to see another therapist, who wouldnt' see me till I had seen a psychiatrist friend of hers for an evaluation. And that idiot told me that everything I was feeling about my therapist was transference. When I yelled at my therapist that it wasn't all transference, that my therapist had done some stupid things and it was just totally unfair that therapists could write off all their mistakes, my therapist calmly agreed with me. He said he probably had done some stupid things and not all of my feelings for him were transference, and it wasn't fair for therapists to write that all off as transference and he wouldn't do that.
He was smiling as if he were amused, but he was also sincere.
And I knew that however psychobabbly and irresponsible he could be, and even though he might not trust me and might think unpleasant things about me, that I could trust him to be honest and kind with me no matter what he thought or felt about me. And eventually I knew I was safe with him, in some ways at least.