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Re: Enough of it (too long) pinkeye

Posted by 10derHeart on April 5, 2005, at 22:08:26

In reply to Enough of it., posted by pinkeye on April 5, 2005, at 19:24:57

Well, you may not like this at all, but...

While I understand, I think, the overall idea of what you're saying, I have a lot of misgivings about the very last part.

I'm fairly sure it's not 100% possible to *decide* not to care about someone.

Or to will yourself into indifference.

Maybe you can do those things, but I just can't wrap my mind around how that would happen. I know I can't, and I don't believe most people really can. Denial or some other defense...maybe? But that is temporary, IMO.

I hope for you, pinkeye, you can just decide not to ruminate, or obsess, or do anything to cope with feelings for him that's destructive and useless to your getting back peace of mind, bit by bit. And I think you've already come a long way with that. In fact, you are the person who got me really looking at my own rumination about my ex-T. a while back. So now, although I'm not all the way through my struggle, I rarely dwell on all those questions, over and over. I think you can stop ruminating, with hard work, and maybe another T's help, and friends, etc., etc., without stopping the caring, too. But please, don't ask me to explain *how*. I wish I could, but I can't exactly.

For me, I won't choose indifference, even if I could. Not for someone I had/have such complicated, wonderful, terrible, beautiful, crushing feelings for - like my ex-T. I won't choose it. I don't mean to sound like a martyr or anything, but I mean this with all my heart.

It's something I learned from him - and am still reinforcing with current T. The depth of the suffering validates the importance and depth of the relationship - for me. If this was the price I had to pay for what I learned, for all the blessing and healing he brought to my life - so be it. I absolutely KNOW I will handle separations and losses better in the future. I know becasue he gave me a living model of how it can happen with gentleness, flexibility and most important of all maybe - openness about ALL the feelings as they happen. He has instilled hope and strength and the idea it's possible for these things IRL to go much better, too.

Pinkeye, of course, I do want you to do something to lessen pain, if it's unnecessary. I firmly believe some pain is necessary, though. I just can't tell for how long, how much, for anyone else but me, obviously. I've just learned to sort my own out with lots of help.

And maybe, I have no right at all, to post any of this. Because from almost all the scenarios on Babble about painful terminations (that I can remember), mine was among the very, very best. The least traumatic.

I did pretty much what you talked about to ShortE, too, as far as clinging to him. Oh yeah, I moved toward him after he (literally) moved away, not the opposite. By writing, then emailing. Together, we managed to construct a transition that allowed a healthy separation. I am so, so, so blessed, I know. In my situation, this was best and has worked out as well as I can imagine possible. We have tapered off email contact, my current T. knows everything and is totally fine with it, and I am better each week. It took 6-7 months, but it's finally about complete (whatever that is). I think.

Do you see why I rarely post about this any more? I know I don't need to feel badly about having this go so well (thanks messadivoce, for keeping me straight), when I was/am so deeply attached , but I still do. I feel no one needs to hear me say how skilled my ex-T was at this - blah, blah, blah. Rubbing salt in wounds, even by mistake, is not something I take lightly.

I'm sorry. Please don't take anything wrong. We are all so different, even when going through a similar thing.

I actually liked what you said, where you identified all the parts of it so clearly. I just got scared for you at the end, thinking if you *force* yourself to be uncaring and indifferent, then some days, you have feelings that he matters and you care, you will feel you've failed. Maybe I am just all confused myself. There are no "one size fits all" answers, I suppose. ((pinkeye))




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