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Re: Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child Poet

Posted by daisym on April 5, 2005, at 0:25:41

In reply to Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child, posted by Poet on April 4, 2005, at 18:51:18

Poet,

I think what you are feeling is really normal after revealing such a big, old secret. There are so many levels to this -- being afraid of what she now knows and her reactions to it, being afraid of yourself and your compulsion to tell, and being afraid of the pain opening this wound causes.

I think you may also be experiencing some of the old feelings that you felt while the abuse was happening. I am astonished how these old feelings can feel so real, so here and now, yet really, they belong to a younger self, the self that WAS afraid and couldn't tell anyone she was afraid. This happened to me today.

As you know, I've been struggling very much lately. I was in such bad shape the past week that I was on daily check ins with my therapist, even over the weekend. (It was kind of sweet, on Saturday we decided I was doing slightly better and therefore did not *have* to call him on Sunday, unless I needed him or wanted to. He ended up calling me Sunday afternoon because he was worrying and said *he* needed to touch base.) Today when I went in I was terrified. I couldn't talk, and could barely look at him. This is not like me at all. I told him I was afraid to be there. He tried a couple of things with me that didn't work and then he stopped and sort of looked at me sideways and said, "How old do you feel right now?" I whispered, "9." He nodded and gently asked questions of this nine year old, about her fear, about what was happening and it took us to a whole new place. We talked about a new memory and how afraid I was that he would be mad at me...which explained the fear. I still left in tears, but that was about missing him and not feeling safe in the real world right now, not about being afraid of him. Thank Goodness.

Because being afraid of your therapist can make you very lonely. I hope you can get past your fear of her and begin to open up and understand what is happening soon. She will help you face all of this. It just takes time.

(((Poet)))

 

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