Posted by antigua on March 14, 2005, at 15:49:27
I've been lurking lately and haven't had the strength to really post, but here goes.
I quit therapy. Yes, again; good thing I don't keep track of how many times I've done this, but it really hasn't come up more than a handful of times in 14 years.
How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel and accept that the progress you've made is as much progress as you will ever make? I'm serious here, I don't have the answer anymore.
Here's what happened. I posted about not having trust in my T and we had a huge breakthrough and we were stronger as a result of my trusting her. I do trust her, I don't think that's the issue.
Last week I had a meltdown. My appt was a day late because she was away. There was no obvious correlation between my feelings and her being away. I always start to feel bad a day or two before I see her because I start thinking about what we need to talk about. But I literally couldn't get out of bed. It was scary. So I had two appts last week; she made me come back an extra time because I called her and told her I couldn't get out of bed even after my appt (do Ts make house calls?). My husband was mad, too, and I just couldn't fight how I felt.
So I went back an extra time and it was pretty much useless. She kept talking about things that seemed so off base. I could see she had her"thinking" hat on and I was one step ahead of her all the way. I really didn't have any intention of not going back, but when she asked me, I just said no, I didn't think so. I have the option to change my mind, I know that. She was really frustrated and flustered--I've never seen her flustered before (in 14 years!)
I have gotten so close to the edge, again and again, of letting my guard down and surrendering to the fear and memories so that I can get through my csa issues. It may not be one memory, of course, but there is a wall (self-imposed mind you) that I cannot breach. I have been trying non-stop for at least 10 years to move beyond this and let it go. I swear I've tried everything but hypnosis (my T thinks it would be bad for me) so it's not for lack of trying. It's not that I'm afraid that if it is resolved that I will lose her. I WANT TO BE WELL.
She doesn't have the key, even with all of the tools at her disposal. I have it, but she can't bring it out of me either. There is nothing else she can say or do to make a difference.
I've learned incredible life skills from my T and I'm comfortable that we are a good match and that if anyone can help me, she's the one. But I don't think she can do it. I don't think anyone can do it, but me, and maybe my father, but he's dead. I even know in my heart that if my father knew how much I was suffering, he would give me permission to let go. So why can't I do it?
I just told her she just can't understand. I am a very patient person; I waited for my father forever as a little girl when I loved him so much and she asked me to extend that patience w/her, that she was with me and wasn't going to give up. But I don't have patience for her anymore. It's just never going to happen and I can't live like this anymore. I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN; I want joy, hope and ambition; I want my wasted years back.(of course I know they weren't wasted; my kids were the direct recipients of her knowledge)
So when is enough enough? The agonizing, tortuous longing feelings for my father are with me 24/7, despite what he did to me. (Hey, maybe I made it all up; let's take a huge step back into denial). I have transfered these feelings onto other unavailable, unsuitable people four times before in my life. The faces may change, but despite my best attempts, and my T's, I just can't get through these feelings. I'm in the midst of one of these bouts right now and as knowledgeable as I am about what is really happening in the relationship (it's about my father and not this person), I can't escape the overwhelming painful feelings. I know they will keep coming back unsuitably until I have processed them properly. The only way I've found to effectively deal w/them is to block them off and block off part of my life. But they will resurface until they are resolved.
So is it time to dump it all? I'm sick of meds, psychiatrists and therapists. I'm sick of feeling so low and so tired. I can't eat again, I can't read or write, or even cry. All I can do is sleep.
I was devastated after I realized I wasn't going back. "No one can help me" just kept running through my head. But today I'm not so scared. I can bury it, but with the knowledge that I will have another depressive episode several years down the road.
I am the only one who can do this and it's a race to see whether I will kill myself first or I will succeed in my battle. I can't kill myself because my children still need me; that's the only thing keeping me alive today.
But I don't need her anymore.So how do you know when you've just plain had enough. In the natural course of events, I know when termination would be right, but I can't guage how far I still have to go.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:470958
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/470958.html