Posted by LG04 on March 5, 2005, at 15:15:55
In reply to Re: T and Valentine's Day » LittleGirlLost, posted by Bent on March 4, 2005, at 7:13:52
don't feel weird, it's one of those things that are "normal" for what we've been through.
just today i was feeling so frustrated b/c i was thinking, I WANT TO KNOW HOW OFTEN SHE HAS SEX! and what she is like in bed, things like that. and i too am not sexually attracted to her. i understand that it comes directly from the sexual abuse and the transference that i have with her. i understand that as a kid, i wanted to know what my parents sex life was like, how often they had sex, what they were like in bed together, what they did to each other (most of it was more geared towards my mom, not so much my dad, like what she like in bed and so forth. unfortunately i already knew what my dad was like although i was still curious if he was the same with her as he was with me), all those things, b/c i felt very left out and many other things that i have figured out both alone and with my therapist's help.
it might also be in a tiny way a "real" thing with her in the sense that with our therapists we have so much intimacy but obviously the sexual boundaries are impenetrable -- thank goodness -- so it's something that we are never allowed to know. and that can be really frustrating. if i wasn't ever allowed to know where she lives or something, that might be very frustrating to me too. so in some ways maybe it's the "you aren't allowed to know this about me" that makes me want to know. in other words, because it's a boundary, i want to break thru it. but actually i don't think it's so much that. i think it has to do with what i wrote above. it's about my parents.
also, in some ways i think it's normal b/c of my need for "twinning," that is wanting a role model, someone to tell me and explain to me the ways of the world and what is normal and all that. my mom never spent time with me, she never showed me how to bake a cake or balance a checkbook or put on makeup or anything at all. everything i learned, i learned on my own or from other role models i found along the way. and b/c my sexual experiences were SO F*CKED UP (my dad raping me from a young age isn't exactly normal), i want to know what a normal sexual experience should be like and what is normal sexual response and all those things. even though i have had them as an adult, the kid me still wants someone to explain it all to her and model it for her in a way. and maybe even the adult me.
if there was some kind of women's sex circle and discussion, i would be the first to sign up. somewhere to talk about these things TOTALLY OPENLY and even to be able to be naked in front of each other and see what each other looks like and to be able to ask questions and compare experiences and ask about how they experience orgasms and what feels good to them and what doesn't and all those things. and i'd be totally willing and wanting to share my feelings and experiences with them. i want this whole subject to stop being so damn private and hidden from each other. we are all women. our sexuality is such an important part of our lives? why do we treat it as a forbidden topic, that we don't discuss our sex lives with others in a way that helps us to understand ourselves better and to grow?
see that makes me think about my therapist again. i can ask her almost anything in the world. i can ask her what makes her cry and i can ask her what makes her feel mad and i can ask her just about anything about herself but i can't ask, "what makes you feel aroused or have an orgasm?" why not? what is wrong with that question? it seems really normal to me. but the fact that i know i can't sort of reinforces this sense that sex is dirty and bad and all those things. it makes me feel like our whole society is so damn sexually repressed. WHY CAN'T WE TALK ABOUT IT AND ASK QUESTIONS??? and especially to our therapists, to whom we look at for answers and guidance in so many other ways.
okay i'm off my soapbox now. i just might ask my therapist exactly what i asked above.
so those are my thoughts. i think most if not all of it is transference stuff b/c i've had these same thoughts and feelings towards other people with whom i've had transference. not with this kind of intensity, but i am much more in touch with these feelings than i've ever been before and i'm emotionally closer with my therapist than i've been with any of the others that i had transference with, so it makes sense that with her the feelings would be more intense.
can you tell your therapist, "i have something that i want to talk about but i can't do it. it's too embarassing and i feel too weird about it." and then see where she goes from there. i've said that to my therapist before and she asks me questions that help me to get it out slowly. and she also reassures me along the way that it's okay and she won't judge me or anything like that. so maybe you can just start by indicating that you have something to talk about but can't do it.
good luck and let me know what happens. maybe it's just not the right time for it right now. but remember that telling her will help you to grow and to deal with the issues that are underlying your curiosity. you're not thinking about these things for no good reason. there is a reason. it might be painful to figure it out (it sure is for me), but i'm glad it's out in the open and that i am understanding so much better what my internal experience was like as a child, because from this point, i can start to heal from it.