Posted by pinkeye on March 4, 2005, at 13:12:15
In reply to Sad week :-(, posted by messadivoce on March 4, 2005, at 2:34:52
If it is any consolation, you are not alone in this struggle. I can perfectly understand how waiting for replies and pushing off the time to write would feel. Am there myself.
I don't know the answer.. I wish it was much easier than it is for all of us.
Lot of it I think is just part of the game. Therapists do create a kind of pseudo relationship with us, being there for us, listening to everything, comforting us, giving suggestions.. and we get misguided into thinking it is a real relationship. It is just not possible to not fall into taking this pseudo relationship for a real one. Our hearts and minds don't work that way. If a T is really good, you are going to develop a real relationship with him/her. It would be impossible not to - unless the T is extremely cold and not caring from the beginning.
I hope you can find someone else in your real life who will be atleast be there for you little bit, if not to the extent of your T.
> Guys, I'm having a bad week. I feel like a lame member of Babble...haven't been posting much to people who are feeling worse than me. I hope you know that I often read and sympathize, and I'm sure people do the same for my posts.
>
> I really miss my old T this week. It's been 10 months since termination, and there are still times when the realization that he's gone just hits me so hard. I haven't heard his voice in so long, and I just really wish I could have that. I sent him a newsy e-mail at the beginning of the week, and he replied on Wednesday with just a paragraph...kind but distant. It hurt a little. And now thanks to unspoken rules I won't write him til May, at least. Which, I mean, is probably good. It's kind of stressful when I write to him and tell him how I'm doing, and then wait for his reply.
>
> I miss the security of his tiny little office, which at times was claustrophobic, but other times was all the of the world that I could handle. It was just me and him in that tiny room and there wasn't room for much else, except all those horrible memories. I remember how intently he watched my face. His face was a lifeline to me when I was so lost in the pain that I wondered if I could ever shake myself out of. He didn't say or do anything really extraordinary. He just sat with me.
>
> I remember how he hugged me after the last session. It's one thing to look at your T, it's quite another to *feel* them, to know they are truly, solidly real. He hugged me soooo tight. I wish I could have bottled that hug and saved it for when I really needed it. I could use it now.
>
> I know when I miss him, I am missing things I never had. Security in a father figure, for one. Affection, love, affirmation, safety from my dad. I tell myself that if I could get old T back that it wouldn't fulfill the longing...but he was the perfect man! screams my heart. And he left you because you weren't good enough.
>
> I know this is triggered by the loss of my second T. I try to remember our last session together, and I didn't know it was my last so I don't really remember. I wish I had hugged her, or something. But how could I have known.
>
> Her office was huge, and so cluttered with knicknacks, papers, you name it. And it went from being full of stuff to just completely empty within a day. I hate how things can be fine one day, and a disaster the next. I hate how the world can just fall apart. I hate how you can lose what you need. I hate this learning to live without the people I have grown to love. I will never get good at losing.
poster:pinkeye
thread:466311
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050225/msgs/466478.html