Posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 10:52:15
I am new here, Iīve posted just a few times...
I am in a shop, after my T session and feeling so scared that I didnīt know what to do...
I feel like I am losing my safe, sacred place, I am terrified of that...I am so scared :o(
Iīve been in T for 4 years now. I was sexually abused by my father. Iīve always had difficulties talking in T but my T has been patient and Iīve made progress in all areas of my life. My T has given me the safety, caring, acceptance I had never ever had in my life. She changed everything, she gave me hope, she made me feel like she did care about whether I was alive or not, I do feel certain she cares about me, Iīve learnt a lot from her, and even though I havenīt been able to verbalize everything and I still canīt share openly from my heart, I have found great relief, knowing she knows what happened to me.
I have been very open about how much she means to me, and I feel we have a very close, healing T relationship. She has made me feel accepted, welcome, and I feel she genuinely cares about me.
I donīt know if that is enough background.
I should add, that I am 27, and in my fantasies, I have thought about her as someone like a mommy who could come and rescue me after my father hurt me. Thatīs always my fantasy, that I am no longer alone in that moment.
Well, Today, I went to my session, she said today she wanted to hear me, that she would stay silent, in a welcoming silence, open...that she wanted to hear me talk. So somehow I ended up sharing fragments of a dream I had, in which she and I were together driving in a car, and she was driving and I was scared because it was dark and we were in a deserted road, and then our car broke down, and some men took us to some sort of concentration camp, etc, and I felt terrible because I felt I would be tortured without having the chance to tell my T all the things I havenīt told her (In my mind, I was thinking about my fatherīs abuse, etc, but didnīt mention this to her). I shared the whole dream..and afterwards, somehow our conversation turned into my feelings for her.. and she said that it is ok if I feel love for her or IĻm in love with her, and that I was safe, and that everything was okay, that talking about feelings was ok, that there was nothing to fear, etc...that it was okay to talk openly, etc.
Well,I was totally ..shocked by what she said. I blushed, found myself unable to say a word, just felt the world was falling apart.
If she were talking about love, then I understand and that would be ok because I do love her (as a therapist and person), but she talked about me being in love, and thatīs totally not that way and I feel that now , after this, our T relationship wonīt be the same...
She had been absent for a long time, and I had found the way to internalize her caring and it was easier than other times, and now I feel it is all shaken, that safety.
She then talked about how Iīve always looked for a mother or the qualities of a mother, but I didnīt hear any more..because I just wanted to undo all the session..
She said that maybe my feelings or the feelings I was having were the reasons why I found it so hard to talk, etc. I just found myself choking back tears, and it was time to leave, someone rang the bell, I stayed sitting there, my T went to answer, then I stood up, went to the door, almost crying, she said are you okay? I said yes, but obviously was not..She told me that my dream was okay, that I was ok and that everyhing was ok.
I left and I feel so shaken now.
I want my safe place back...now I donīt know what to do, how to wait a whole week..
I need to clarify this with her, I donīt know...What should I do?? My safe place is essential for me to function. Should I do something before my session, like sending her a letter? Should I wait and explain to her? Whatīs the best thing to do?? I am afraid this may damage our relationship..