Posted by lonelygal2 on January 25, 2005, at 19:38:29
In reply to Re: :( » lonelygal2, posted by mair on January 25, 2005, at 13:40:44
i've been trying to figure out what to say to reply but i have no clue what i think, so whatever.
everything you said though- yes i feel that way.
she's been insisting on calling, yes. not sure if she's calling tonight. the contract i signed involved a call at a certain time in the morning.
no i haven't made an appt w/ a new t or pdoc. yes, she keeps bringing it up. she wants me to come in tomorrow to talk about 'the next step' as in her referral, but i've given a big enough stink about how unfair that she gets to call everything in my voicemails, she finally just left a message saying that if i didn't want to come, it is my choice, but that i need to leave her a voicemail saying that i am terminating, it's the whole liability thing. she doesn't want me to die and then like ruin her career before it even starts. which okay i can see that. whatever.
i e-mailed my ex-t that i missed so much and my ex-pdoc and of course they didn't e-mail me back. i just sent a one liner to them saying that my therapist dumped me as the subject and if anyone cares as the message. they both had told me before that they wouldn't be opening more e-mails. that's why i didnt' really write a message b/c i figured they would only see the subject line? so i guess i expected no response and that's what happened. it just sucks.
i once again feel nothing inside. it's just sort of like whatever.
> Hey LG - where exactly do things stand now? Are you going to see the pdoc? Have you followed up with getting an appointment with a new T, as awful as that may sound to you? Is recent- disaster-therapist still urging you to maybe go to the hospital, or still insisting that she check in?
> I read what you wrote about blaming yourself for trying to get help in the first place; that you wish you could take everything back and just take care of yourself without the help/intervention of others.
> I think I've felt as you do before, mostly when someone I looked to for help has disappointed me or when working with my T just seems to be too hard. It's like I want to retrench. Seemingly other people can't be relied upon and I don't want to feel that I need other people because I can't depend on them anyway. For me, this more likely means I don't want to feel the hurt associated with being let down in some way. What makes it worse for me is that I then blame myself for being foolish enough to seek help or for even being in a position where I think I have to ask for help.
> I don't know what your dx is (mine, or at least one of mine, is chronic major depression). My T needs to remind me sometimes that it's not something I have total control over and it's not something I can "will" away, which is what I'd like to do. And unfortunately, one of the things that happens to me when I'm most depressed, is that my strongest tendencies are to withdraw. So when I need people the most, I shy away from them.
> Does any of this sound like something you are feeling or have experienced.
> You've been dealt a low blow. You were not in great shape before; with a lot of encouragement here, you took the step of seeking help, and pretty much the worse thing happened. The T you saw, not only told you she couldn't see you, but having committed that atrocity, she compounded it by trying to dictate where you went and what you did after her in terms of getting help.
> You can't undo any of that, and it's so understandable that you hurt bigtime. God, it's bad enough having to ask for help; awful if you get rejected and have to ask a second time.
> But you have too much value to let this stuff defeat you. You need someone on your side; working with and for you. If recent-disaster- therapist didn't fill the bill, please try to find someone who does, even if it seems just too hard to seek help again.
> I just know there's a better support network out there waiting for you.
> PS: I wish I could be more help. I have a meeting in about an hour and somewhere I have to go tonight, so I won't be able to check the Board for several hours, but I should be able to get back on for a bit anyway at around 9-9:30.