Posted by Daisym on January 11, 2005, at 10:12:06
...or maybe I hate the time and space in between therapy. I hate thinking of time passing as getting through from one session to another. I hate how weak I feel and unable to separate those past feelings from the present. I hate slipping back into the black hole and having no way to stop it. I guess like the country song says, "Tonight I hate everything."
I was thinking about the thread above that mentioned the intensity of sessions and the aftermath. I don't think my therapist in anyway underestimates the toll sessions take on me. He is really, really aware of how hard things are afterward, and often asks, "What will you do for the next few hours?" Usually I have a plan that includes solitude and Starbucks. He thinks this is OK.
But things have been so rough that I'm not sleeping again so today we had another serious discussion about medications. He gave me a referral to a pdoc. I asked for it...in fact, I left a message at 1am last Thursday telling him not to let me back out because I couldn't face another night like this one. He gave me some names today and went over what the appointment was likely to look like. We even practiced how much I needed to say and how to handle questions I didn't want to answer: "I'm dealing with that in therapy." He did say he wanted me to tell her about the csa -- but not too many details. I kept nodding my head and asking the right questions. And then I burst into tears and said it felt like I was being sent away. I'm not sure whether that was little daisy being afraid she was being silenced or me, afraid he was sending me to another therapist so he could back away slowly. I guess it was both.
The thing is, I really don't know why it is so hard right now. Yes, there are hard subjects to talk about, but they aren't new news. Yes, hubby is sick and cranky again. But we've gone through this before. I feel like I don't know what to work on, and I don't really even know what I want from therapy or my therapist right now. I really hate not having a plan or a road map!
Somehow, even though I can't tell him what I want exactly, my therapist seems to keep finding the right things to say. Last Friday I was feeling so very alone. But when I said this, he reminded me that he was with me, deep inside, keeping me safe. He actually said he was feeling very protective of me and offered to come over when those 1am demons are up and bring his baseball bat. It startled me some to hear him say that (I don't think anyone has ever been protective of me) but I loved it too. I held onto that all weekend. And I told him that today, even though I feel bad to know that he worries.
I guess one of the biggest struggles is not knowing why certain things upset me so much. This whole thing about my friend's daughter seeing a therapist at the same office keeps flaring up for me and I feel ridiculous. We were trying to work out a time tomorrow but the only time he had that worked for me was the same time that "Kate" has. So I said no, I just couldn't do it and left with a Wed appointment instead. I went down to my car, called the pdoc he recommended and left a message. Then I sat there and sobbed for 15 minutes. I felt so lost and alone. I had to call a new person and someone had already taken my space with my therapist too. (I know, this isn't true. MY therapist isn't Kate's therapist, it is just a shared waiting room! But still, I really feel like I now have to make compromises about when I can go to see him. And I hate that!)
He called about 9pm tonight, said he was thinking about it and I could come at quarter after the hour so I would miss her all together. Now I feel bad that he adjusting his schedule for me. But of course, now I'm going. I just don't know what I need to talk about.
I hate this...
poster:Daisym
thread:440602
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050111/msgs/440602.html