Posted by daisym on December 18, 2004, at 0:29:16
In reply to Re: Sex and Dependency - long » Daisym, posted by Aphrodite on December 17, 2004, at 17:30:30
We talked about what to do with all these thoughts and feelings this afternoon. Normally when I'm triggered, I close up and fight myself and can't talk. This time I can't shut myself up. I have so much to say and I want to tell the waiting room story over and over again. It is like this huge traumatizing event that has to be relived. And the rest of the stuff is pouring out to my therapist. He said he really recommends just letting it pour out. He actually said he felt on the fence, he didn't want me in so much pain but it was there so better out than in. He also attributed the need to talk to our recently rebuilt trust.
There is fear all around this need to talk. Some of it feels like a desperate run to tell all while the window is open. Almost like there is a limited amount of time to get it all out. Mostly the fear is about how honest I'm being. All of it has a frantic feel to it, bordering on hysteria and panic.
He asked me how I was perceiving him -- and I said he felt incredibly calm. Like he wasn't pulling away, he was just riding this out with me. He asked me if this was the response I wanted, or did I think he should get stirred up too? I think I'm OK with calm, and I appreciate when he gets firm about calming down or slowing down. It makes me feel safe, like he can manage my flooding and not drown in it.
The hardest thing was when he asked me to try and concretely imagine a scenario where the possibilit of sex might exist between us. I couldn't, really. Nothing seemed probable and it was almost laughable. He was really sweet though, trying not to be rejecting and at the same time reassuring me that he was absolutely safe and he wanted me to share all my feelings with him.
The best thing was that he said he knew when I hung up I would feel alone again. And I would worry about what he was "REALLY" thinking about all of this. So he said, what he really thinks is that he is glad I feel so attached again and he is glad I'm telling him about all of this. And he is with me ("can you hear me in your head?")and available all weekend if I need him.
I hope I don't. But I'm glad to know he is there.
poster:daisym
thread:430810
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041210/msgs/431115.html