Posted by Pfinstegg on December 2, 2004, at 20:31:25
In reply to Re: Pfinstegg? » Pfinstegg, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2004, at 14:30:39
Even though some of the emotional parts you are talking about sound very young and painful, they also sound so valuable to you. Especially when you are hoping for your puppies to grow enough to form a real connection to you.
If I'm completely wrong here, I know you'll tell me, but I had the sense that you were afraid that you would lose your emotional self entirely, and just be rational- that's it's very important to you to have the feeling connections. If that's true, i can really empathize with it, as I am also afraid, sometimes, that it's very dangerous to feel loving, dependent, fearful or angry towards my T. Anger, especially- really dangerous!
Early in analysis, I got very angry at my T. It was a transference from something painful that had just happened before the session, but I lost sight of that, and was just enraged at him- swearing, even! (I don't even do that in daily life). I caught him completely off-guard, and he reacted with a rather hostile silence. Later on, he brought it up, saying that he had made a mistake, and wished that he had been able to contain and help me with my feelings, instead of taking it personally. Well, a year later, I'm cautiously allowing myself to get angry at him; he doesn't take it personally now, but knows I'm expressing rage, through him, at my parents. Just this week he said, "I'm glad you gave me a second chance with your anger, because it's so important for you to get it out." It was so poignant to me, because, despite all his training, he can be hurt like anyone else- and he can also move towards being tremendously helpful with that most threatening of emotions. It has actually had the effect of deepening our connection, which I am so grateful for.