Posted by Dinah on November 26, 2004, at 7:11:10
In reply to Re: majorly F'd off, posted by alexandra_k on November 25, 2004, at 19:06:54
Well, I'm not too good at identifying the "mature" thing to do. I think I'm only pretending to be a grownup. So maybe this is a scared little girl thing to do.
But when I have these sort of situations, I assess the relationship as a whole and decide whether I'm better off without or with someone (that old Ann Landers test is amazingly sensible). If someone has screwed up, no matter how royally, but the relationship is valuable to me, I work with them on what happened. Even if they refuse to bend, I usually accept it. But if it happens too often, I end up emotionally divorcing them and then decide the relationship isn't worth it.
Has this sort of thing happened often? Is it an important relationship to you?
My therapist has any number of personal flaws, not least of which is chronic lateness and disorganization. So I expect that if I arrive a minute over the hour, he is entitled to stop the session at ten till. But I also know he's not likely to show up until ten after and we'll go fifty minutes from there. I also know there will be times that he forgets to turn off his cell time and I'll be interrupted mid-emote by a ring and his subsequent turning off of the ringer, accompanied by some surreptitious peeking at who called.
I talk to him honestly about how what he's done makes me feel, and if there's something he can do to correct it, I might suggest it.
So can you email him and tell him how difficult it was for you, and ask if there isn't some way you can see him sooner? If you think the relationship is worthwhile, of course.
I'm not sure you can expect an apologetic reply, unless your therapist happens to be Daisy's. Usually when I expect that sort of thing, I just end up angrier.
I think maybe it's that awkward therapy balance again. On the one hand, it is a professional relationship, and if they behave less than perfectly, we start thinking about service expectations from a provider. But it's also a relationship. And on the relationship side of it, I think it can be a good place to practice all the inevitable compromise and disappointments that occur in any long term relationship.
Or at least in mine. :)