Posted by Aphrodite on October 31, 2004, at 9:41:57
In reply to Re: Discouraged, feeling selfish (long) » Aphrodite, posted by daisym on October 30, 2004, at 15:56:56
Sometimes my T doesn't want me to talk about the past events because he says I'm "unstable" and I don't have a good support system. But I've argued that those problems exist because of the difficult past I keep buried. So, our current compromise is to go slow, piece by piece, and see how I fare. Of course, slow is not one of my "speeds," and I am always in a hurry to be done with things, be better, etc. Plus, it makes being in therapy seem like a lifelong proposition. (Of course, I thought I was going in for about 6 months of CBT. Ha, ha.)
I think not telling him and only describing its after effects and how I feel now only causes me to leave and swim in the memories left unsaid. In the few times I have opened up, I've been a mess but still somewhat relieved that I had broken the isolation. I think telling someone takes away the power of the terrifying events. Someone else is now in on it.
I appreciate all that you have shared. From it, I know that it will be a roller-coaster ride, and there will be times I will feel relieved, and times I will want to run, and times I will be awash in unbearable grief.
And I will still have to run my home and office and be together for the people who depend on me.
I have my ticket to get on the roller-coaster tomorrow. I loved your offer of the towel from the dryer! When my child was an infant, I used to throw his receiving blanket in the dryer and wrap him up in it when he was crying, and he instantly fell asleep! I may need that beautiful offer of a warm towel from you to dry the tears (or clean up the barf from the roller-coaster ride:) I get a little motion sick!
Thank you again for your support and insight.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:409215
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/409505.html