Posted by Racer on October 4, 2004, at 14:58:24
In reply to My Therapy Dilemma/Racer too (very long), posted by antigua on October 4, 2004, at 13:59:32
I'm so sorry about your accident. I agree that it probably is related to hitting a deep spot in your therapy, for whatever that's worth to you in validation.
Here's the thing: I'm in favor of you backing off the really hard things in therapy for a while, but I'm against totally terminating. My gut says that you might find it most rewarding to process the pain that led to your accident, and then work on ways to protect yourself the next time you get close to the bone in therapy, and then take the rest of your trauma one bite at a time.
I say that based on my own experience. When I was dealing with my own CSA, as well as the events surrounding it, I went through a period when I was sure that I couldn't survive therapy. I should quit, because nothing was worth the sort of agony I was going through. I'm so very, very glad I stayed though! It was only after I lived in that cesspool of shame and agony and guilt and self-hatred long enough to dig out everything that was there that I could move through to the other side. I think if I hadn't stuck it out, if I hadn't experienced it all, I would still live in the suburbs of that world of hurt. Honestly. I wanted so much to quit, and I had all sorts of good reasons to quit, and if I had, I wouldn't be the Racer some people respect -- I'd be a very sick and twisted individual who couldn't do a damn thing for herself, because she didn't deserve anything being done for you by anyone. I'd be sitting in the dark somewhere.
All that misery, Antigua, was something I had to know all the way to the marrow of my bones, in order to grieve for the child I had been, the child who could never be saved, the child who would never have a safe place. Only after I had grieved for that child could I move on to see the good that there had been in my life, and to see the lasting damage done well enough to start to heal that, too.
I'm sorry that I can't be 100% supportive of what you want to do. I am 100% supportive of you, which is different. If you do terminate, I'll still read your posts, and answer you, and care about you. I just hope that you will continue therapy until you can travel through this agonizing landscape, and find the peaceful valley on the other side. I know how nice it is there, and I think you deserve to find out for yourself. I hope to have your company there one day, and think that continuing the work you're doing in therapy is the quickest way to get there -- despite the 14 years.
You have my best wishes, no matter what you decide to do. Be well, and take the best care of you.
poster:Racer
thread:398836
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/398864.html