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Re: I'm a broken record ****TRIGGER**** » crushedout

Posted by fallsfall on September 14, 2004, at 22:01:33

In reply to Re: I'm a broken record ****TRIGGER**** » terrics, posted by crushedout on September 14, 2004, at 20:51:37

I am notoriously bad at figuring out when to stop working on something - when it is time to give up. Deciding to change therapists was one of the hardest things I've ever done (deciding to leave my husband of 19 years was easier - the decision seemed clearer somehow). I am in agony a lot with my current therapist, but I can tell that we ARE making progress - we are getting something resolved, or at least clarified. With my old therapist I wasn't making progress - the issues were essentially the same, and it seemed like I was trying really hard to work on them but nothing seemed to make any difference.

It seems to me that you have been open with your therapist, that you have told her how you are feeling, and that you have been telling her this for months. Do you have any sense that she is understanding you? That she knows the pain that you are in? I thought my first therapist understood me, but when I tried to get into more detail it became clear that she really had no idea what I was going through. I didn't think that I could have been any clearer with her. That was when I knew that I had to leave. If you think that you haven't been clear with your therapist, then be brutally honest. Even if you have to write it out in advance to be completely sure that there can be no misunderstanding. Then ask her to show you that she does understand - ask her to explain it in her own words. (I know that I'm projecting some of my stuff on you here, but I also think that if you can be sure that she understands but can't (or won't) help you or that she is not able to understand despite your best effort, that you will have an easier time letting her go. Because then you will know that there wasn't anything more that you could have done - that you did all that you could, but it still wasn't helping. I beat myself up if I think that there was anything else that I could have done.)

I think I'm rambling here... I guess that what I've learned from my experiences is that if I'm sure that I've done everything I can to be open and honest, but things still don't seem to be moving in a positive direction, that it is time to move on. Crushed, you *do* know that you can't "have" her. If you can't learn about yourself by having this pain, then why should you stay in this pain? Leaving her *will* be painful, but I truly believe that the pain of leaving will dissipate over time. Staying with her *is* painful - you have proven that. If the pain of staying isn't changing, then you would be better off going through the "leaving" pain, and getting to a place where you won't be in pain.

I ended up in many of the same positions with my second therapist that I had with my first. But because he was a different person, I was able to see the patterns more clearly. Plus, he was more focused on working on transference issues, I think that has made a big difference.

You deserve to live without this kind of pain.

 

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poster:fallsfall thread:390499
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