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Re: assaults in dreams » saw

Posted by just plain jane on September 13, 2004, at 7:38:47

In reply to Re: assaults in dreams, posted by saw on September 13, 2004, at 1:45:40

>> Thanks for the responses. I cannot say how I really feel when I wake up. I am aware that some of the time the dreams induced an incredible fear but those are the dreams I cannot remember.>>

-- For many years I had horrifying dreams that usually woke me up. Some I remembered parts of, others, nothing, just the horror upon waking, the pervasive evil. I prayed. I would lie there and pray myself to sleep, and sleep like a babe I would. For the rest of that night, and sometimes for a few nights to follow. --

>> I do also wish I wasn't dreaming. Sleep is hard already, and dreaming so much makes me even more tired. I am sensing my unhappiness through my dreams even when I don't remember them.>>

-- That I continued to have horrifying dreams was, I would say, part of what drove me, on a subconscious level, to pursue resolution.

It has only been since I divulged having been raped when I was 19 that I have had real rest.

In fact, thank you Sabrina and fellow respondents, I only just realized this as I was reading this thread. I am smiling broadly as the realization sinks in.

The sexual assault violence perpetrated against me at 19 was not the only incidence on rape in my life, but it was the only one I could not "rationalize" the attacker's motives (and stupidity).

It was purely a violent attack on me.

It happened when I was in the Army, 29 years ago. At that time I told no one. A few months later it came out among a few of my friends, as the attacker was caught. He raped some of his neighbors' daughters. Once I gave my deposition, I considered the matter closed. (yes, I was a tougha$$)

A couple years back I found myself discussing unrelated subjects with a Veteran's Affairs Rep I know. He told me he thought I should seek counseling and perhaps be rated for a psych disability. (I had been married to a fellow soldier, a wildly violent Viet Nam veteran, among other things.)

When I was screened, one of the questions asked was "Were you ever sexually assaulted by a member of the Armed Forces during your service?"

Panic overwhelmed me. Agony, horror, fear... so many emotions.

Tears poured down my face as I weakly admitted, "yes", so quietly I don't know if he even heard it. But he could not have misinterpreted the unbidden reaction to his question. A meltdown which lasted the rest of the time I was there, over an hour. I managed to answer the rest of the questions and sign the necessary paperwork to get health care and counseling inititated, the screener was so very patient.

Since then I have still had many bad dreams, but I know why, as having control over myself threatened has always been at the base of my dreams. Therapy has helped greatly.

(I know, this is long.)


I wonder if, perhaps, your dreams can be attributed to your trauma(s), if you can accept that this is the underlying source of them and let it rest at that, for the time being anyway. Once I did this, I had taken control of MY RESPONSE to the dreams, even if I couldn't take control of the dreams, and the self-empowerment has made a vast, calming difference in my life, sleeping or awake.

Every little bit of power regained is a colossal step toward a relative peace.

hoping to help,
just plain ol' jane


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poster:just plain jane thread:389068
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040911/msgs/390225.html