Posted by Racer on September 9, 2004, at 15:43:17
In reply to Emotional infidelity, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2004, at 12:55:54
I'm hardly the poster child for *any* sort of fidelity, so I wonder about this sort of thing, too. The best I've come up with so far is that the marriage bond is not supposed to be absolute. There will always be the need for "Other" within any marriage. Think about how you would feel if you were the only one your husband ever shared with? I don't mean just the normal things, but if he came to you every time his favorite sports team traded a player he liked? Or if he brought all his worries about whether he was good enough in bed to you? Even his concerns about whether his aging body was still attractive? That's why people need outside interests in order to stay together -- why couples who work together burn out faster than those who don't.
You could look at it as analogous to going to the doctor instead of to your husband when you have, say, an ingrown toenail. You wouldn't hesitate to make that appointment, right? You wouldn't ask your husband to perform minor surgery, would you? (All right, I admit it -- my ex-bf did perform similar sorts of minor surgery on me, but I was uninsured and broke.) By the same token, you also wouldn't discuss your sex life with him the same way you might with a girlfriend, because it's not within his core competancies. (Sorry, one of my 'issues' right now.)
I worry at times that I'm withholding too much from my husband, that it's a sign of emotional infidelity, or a sign that I'm simply withdrawing from him entirely. Maybe it is, I can't tell. When I think about it, though, I'm most aware of trying to shield him from the distress, since he really can't do much of anything about it; and of knowing that he can't provide what I need for relief (back to core competency again). My therapist is there for some of the relief, our marriage counselor is there for other parts, the medications (in theory) help with still others. I try to limit what I take to my husband to those things he really *can* help with, and those things that he might enjoy sharing. Maybe that is emotional infidelity, but I think of it as more of a respect thing.
(This actually goes into my whole "negative trust" thing: most everyone in my life is trusted only within pretty well defined boundaries. Beyond those boundaries, I try not to expect anything. My therapist saw that as negative, but I see it as more positive: it's a sign of respect, not to expect what someone can't provide. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but it *feels* right to me, so I'm sticking to it until someone offers a better model.)
And your husband has already told you that he doesn't see it as harming him, which really is the bottom line, isn't it?
poster:Racer
thread:388719
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040905/msgs/388798.html