Posted by Klokka on August 15, 2004, at 22:50:32
In reply to Best Moments in Therapy, posted by Pfinstegg on August 14, 2004, at 22:38:10
I don't remember the details of any of these very well, but here goes anyway, in some sort of chronological order.
The first I remember was about two months after I started seeing my pdoc, after I'd had a rough week. I decided it was about time I started disclosing a bit about my problem with SI and the suicidal thoughts I'd been having lately. I don't remember what exactly it was that he said, but I left feeling reassured and confident that he was there to help and would. He also explained what he would do if he was ever convinced that I really posed a danger to myself, which helped me trust him with the more difficult stuff - the guidance counselor at my old school overreacted and brought my parents into it, which was nothing short of a horrifying experience.
The second may have been in that same session, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. The guidance counselor I'd been seeing at school (not the same as the first) was normally very supportive but had recently insinuated that I was exaggerating/making up all of my problems, and I was upset and confused over it. (Especially since that was a very out of character thing for her to say.) I not only felt deep shame for being the way I was, but for not being able to change things and be done with it. That year I was leading a Christian group at school and was trying so hard (and failing) to hold it all together to be there for and an example to the girls in said group, and so I also felt conflicted because wasn't I trying to be okay after all? What was the truth of the matter? I told my pdoc about this when I saw him, and he said something along the lines of, "No, I don't think you're making it up. I think you're suffering far more than you let on." I still felt like I had to justify myself, and said, "When I left this clinic last year (I didn't have the best experience - meds that had unbearable side effects and another pdoc who never talked to me), I never wanted to come back. I wouldn't be here if I was making it up." He replied, "I know." I had been holding so much back in therapy at that point, much moreso than now (which is still quite a lot,) and it was reassuring to know that not only did he believe me when I said I was hurting, but that he saw past the act, too. It helped so much to ease the shame I felt about the original comment.
Another time was after a very rough patch in the therapy. He forgot my phone number at the clinic and so did not call me back when I was in crisis, he was away for two weeks shortly after, and when he returned he concentrated mostly on a list of questions and it all left me convinced that my earlier trust had been wrong; he didn't, and couldn't possibly, care, and I was convinced that I would be better off not bothering with people ever again because I was nothing but a burden and they couldn't even be paid to pretend to care. After the session with the questions, I went to see the guidance counselor (the one in the previous example,) and she managed to convince me to calm down and discuss it. So I ended up writing a letter telling my pdoc how I felt about those two incidents, and a sense I had that I couldn't help but hold back emotionally (this is still the case, unfortunately) in therapy. I was so terrified that he would be furious and yell at me when he saw it, saying of course he couldn't care and I was expecting too much and being manipulative. I almost didn't give him the letter, but managed to force myself to when he asked me to talk about something I wrote about - I couldn't find the words, but knew where they were... I about died when he insisted that it be read aloud by either one of us, and found that time almost unbearable, but he reacted very well. He admitted that things like the missed phone call did happen and I couldn't expect them not to, but also said that he knew it hurt a lot and would try to work well enough so that I could trust him again. He explained the reason behind the questions he asked, and overall was very supportive and most importantly handled it calmly.
The last thing I can think of isn't so much one moment, just something that came up every time I expressed worry that my college schedule would make me unable to see him next year. (I preregistered and had my schedule verified at orientation last week, so although I can only see him half as much for sure, I can be sure that at least that will work out.) It's nothing particular which was said, but just his willingness to do what he could to work around the schedule, even if it was a little inconvenient. I'm so used to having to juggle things like mad to make everyone happy, and often had to go without events I wanted to attend or rest I sorely needed, so it was comforting to know that this time I wasn't the only one who was trying, and I wouldn't have to go without unless circumstances were really unfortunate.
Hm, so much for not remembering much about these, I think. :) There are more, but they're mostly little comments here and there and I don't think I'd be able to explain too well why they were so comforting.
poster:Klokka
thread:377790
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040812/msgs/378084.html