Posted by shrinking violet on August 15, 2004, at 14:32:45
In reply to Worst moments in therapy, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2004, at 0:11:42
I started seeing my T last summer (she's a LICSW at the university where I'm a grad student). Because I have an eating disorder, she and the school requires I be monitored by a "team" (my T, a nutritionist, a medical doc, and pdoc for meds). My T had been nagging at me for a few months to set up an apt. with the medical doc for an evaluation. I kept putting it off. In the meantime, my depression was getting worse. I (so so stupidly) gave her a journal entry in January talking about how I think about purposely crashing my car into a pole. My T read the journal after I left her office; she immediately e-mailed me and told me to go back for a session that week. I told her no, I was fine. She said okay, if I'm sure. Then I changed my mind (it amazes me sometimes how stupid I am) and decided maybe discussing the thoughts might help alleviate them. So I asked to see her again that week. We set up an appt for two days later.
When I arrive, I naively think we're actually going to have a session. Instead, she informs me that she somehow pulled strings to get me an apt with the med doc at school, and after I see her then I could go back up and see my T and talk about stuff. I was so pissed and shocked, but I had no choice.
So, I went. During that apt, my EKG came back abnormal, as did my blood pressure and I admitted dizzy spells, etc (why I'm so dumb enough to be honest, I dont know....I've learned my lesson since, though). So, she and the doc are freaking out, and pressure me to check myself IP for the 3-day weekend (which turned out very badly......I didn't receive any "care," I did nothing but cry for the 3 days I was there, and I didn't eat.....I lost a few pounds though, so maybe it was worth it).
I felt SO utterly betrayed by my T afterwards. I understand she and the doc have an obligation to themselves, their jobs, and the school first (where that leaves me, I have no idea), so the fact that they acted to cover their own butts shouldn't have surprised me, but it still hurt like hell. That my T would make me believe I was coming for session when she KNEW she was going to spring a med appt on me (she denies it, says it didnt happen that way, that the appt was a last-minute thing, but I know that's a crock), AND making me go to that hell hole without thinking how it might affect me, etc. AND assuming I'd kill myself (we didn't even get to talk about it at all!) without ASKING me first.
Well, it took a while, but we got past it and I'm still with her, although I feel like I need to protect myself and my education from them (they, especially the med doc, have the power to throw me out of school if they feel I'm too much of a liability), which makes me lie to them about some things (how that's supposed to be helpful, I dont know, but they have their agenda and so I need to have mine).
Hm, it STILL pisses me off when I think about it. Now I'm ticked....
poster:shrinking violet
thread:377824
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040812/msgs/377951.html