Posted by daisym on July 29, 2004, at 1:19:46
In reply to Being treated for a dissociative disorder, posted by Pfinstegg on July 28, 2004, at 18:16:49
We've talked about this before...I am very much doing what you are doing. I have a very young side, a 12 year old and then there is "me"...The very young side gives me real trouble because she is getting very strong and insistent in her need for "our" therapist. He responds to her very gently and so far has made it easy for her to talk directly to him. The 12 year old is still blaming herself for what happened, especially since she recently completed a memory puzzle that made it clear that the sa was intentional and brutal sometimes...not always "loving" and certainly not an "accident." She is doing most of the writing exercises these days. She writes in a powerful way about her belief in being bad and she is desperate to understand why she kept the secret when she was old enough to know better. Recent writing have led us to discover that she was afraid her dad would go to jail or to hell...or both. So imagine how I handled a discussion today that I was asked to step in a facilitate. Part of the training is for home visitors who are mandated reporters. So they watch a video of "child-abuse" and a report made and the cops come and take away THE CHILD. My fears were that they would take away my dad...The twelve year old freaked out -- The adult remained stoically calm and led the discussion.
By the time my Therapist called this afternoon, the "kids" were put away. I told him what happened and then went on to tell him how disappointed in myself I was that I didn't do as good a job as I usually do. And, that I struggled as much as I did. So we talked about Winnicott's theory of "good enough" and he is asking me to accept that the work we are doing is hard and very emotional. That most people would be having a tough time and that I should try to be OK with "good enough." Which led to a further discussion of my mother's expectations of striving for perfection. Even if you didn't optain in. She never got upset at me for not being perfect, she only got upset if I didn't TRY to be perfect.
I am always surprised by how deep we can go, even on the phone. I guess that speaks to the level of connection we've manage to develop, even among all my fears of attachment. And, he does relate lightly to the adult too...I shared that I started the training with my skirt unzipped...he laughed with me. I should have stopped before I started. It was an omen!
I'm going in tomorrow. My younger self is tantruming about being away all week. He asked her on the phone is she missed him. She said yes. He said he was sad she missed her session too...It is scary how quickly she comes out now when he talks gently to her. He told me not to worry so much, he was pretty sure that the big, bad gatekeeper would show up here again soon and give him hell. He notes that this part of me isn't going down without a fight to the death. And we talked about how slow this process is. He reminded me that it is ME who runs from therapy but he also said he thinks the pacing is fine. Pushing any harder was likely to send me over the edge and into crisis again. He did ask me to think about how I might participate more in the process instead of struggling against it so much. I told him I thought I WAS participating...I let him call me didn't I??!! He laughed and said it was definately a step in the right direction.
Ok, so I wrote more than I intended. I'm just glad to be home and even though it's late, I can't sleep yet. Thanks again for sharing.
Oh, I have a question! When your "little kids" get upset and cry and turn away, what does your therapist do? Does he allow silence?
poster:daisym
thread:371785
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/371912.html