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Re: What do I want? (just rambling) Daisy

Posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2004, at 13:00:27

In reply to Re: What do I want? (just rambling) pinkeye, posted by daisym on July 13, 2004, at 0:43:48

Thanks Daisy.
We do fight a lot. It has been full of fights from even before the marriage. We are friends and I think deep down we still care a lot for each other, but I am not sure we love each other. But there has been so many problems in the last 3 years. I used to think it was only me, that I was unhappy person basically so I was not able to bring any good thing to the marriage. But then I attended counselling and really changed. For the past two years, I have been extremely good. But still there are lots of problems now because of my husband.
Both of us are very nice people, and we put in a lot of effort to make the marriage work but still it goes through a lot of rough rocks.
Thanks for your post.

> There are so many questions I'd ask if we were talking. Like what does "unhappy" mean? Do you have anything in common? Are you you fight a lot...are there outside stressors effecting your household? So many questions...
> Marriage is really, really hard. I've been at it for 21 years. Mine is a trouble one, for many reasons. But I think in my heart that I know two things:
> 1) If you are happy with yourself, having a partner makes it so much better. And the reverse is also true. If you are unhappy, a partner can make it worse. They rarely are enough to make it better for any length of time.
> 2) I think there are times that you believe in being married, even if you are unhappy or angry at your partner. You are true to the marriage. Because all relationships ebb and flow. You have to allow yourself to keep falling in love over and over again, but with the same person. This takes work and more work.
> There are lots of reasons people stay married. If kids aren't involved, I think you do have to examine why you stay, or more accurately, why you don't go. It isn't easy to figure out.
> just a little aside, my parents were married for 16 years. They divorced when I was 13 and now live on opposite coasts. And are great friends. Both have remarried and made much better choices of partners the second time around. And both talk wistfully about each other in the sense of really loving someone.
> I doubt this rambling helped. I wish you luck and vision as you struggle with this. It is a hard one.




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