Posted by Klokka on June 21, 2004, at 23:16:26
In reply to Re: Dealing with uncertainty? » DaisyM, posted by Klokka on June 18, 2004, at 16:53:47
...until I hear from him, or will it be nine? I keep kicking myself for not doing everything I could to get in touch with my pdoc Friday. I was only a few blocks away from home at the time - I should have told my dad that a friend just wanted to talk about something personal and asked him to let me off where we were and walked the rest of the way. I should have said things so that my pdoc would understand what I meant but not my dad. I should have stalled until I got home and then talked openly as soon as I had the chance. I should have called a few minutes before five, when my pdoc was probably still at the clinic anyway. Something, anything, I don't know.
These next two days are going to be agonizing. I'm going to talk to a guidance counselor at the college to discuss my options... and no matter what happens, my decision is going to cause trouble. Either I lose my pdoc and/or drive myself crazy with stress because of a heavy workload, or I have my parents berating me night and day because I'm not living up to their standards. I told my mother I might consider spreading the course out over three years and not two, even backed it up with academic reasons, and she still screamed at me. I know it could be so much worse, but it's more than I can bear right now. Then Wednesday, I know, will be spent staring at my cell phone in empty hope, and I'll keep wondering whether he'll be angry if I call him again to remind him that we need to talk. And if he doesn't call back? I don't know how I'll get through that. The next day is a provincial holiday and the start of my dad's vacation. I'm not sure I know how to adequately convey what he's like when he's off work and home all day, but let's just say that I had better find a way to spend most of every day away from home. Then I'll have one week to try and get through until I get the verdict on my appointment on the 30th - it likely won't be good.
I don't know what's happening to me. I've been diagnosed with SAD, and it made sense - around mid-May, I began to feel so much better. Now I feel just as miserable and hopeless, only there are reasons behind it now. I'd gone over a month without cutting, and while I haven't done anything major, all that progress has gone out the window with my very last exam on Wednesday and everything that happened after that. It seems so ridiculous to me - I've graduated, I'm growing up, I should be able to handle things, but right now I feel so young and immature and needy and I don't know where any of this is coming from. Nothing really bad has happened to me. Maybe I'm just weak? I don't know anymore.
I'm so glad I can come here and vent. I don't know why I'm writing this all out, except that I'm suddenly so unstable and I don't know how to cope. The weekend was easier than I thought because I was with people a lot, very sleep-deprived and distracted. Now I've slept, and have plenty of time to think... and it's really sinking in that I'm leaving my cherished, safe school and teachers. The pain is overwhelming, and while I know I'll probably get through it and feel a little better someday, it doesn't seem that way right now. I wish I could have told my pdoc when I saw him on Thursday and felt myself slipping into this. I wanted so badly to let him know that I was hurting and needed support, but I just couldn't. I hope I can bring myself to write to him about this - I definitely can't say it at this point - and to actually have him read it. Nine days - or will it be more? - is such a long time, though. Would it be reasonable to leave it at the clinic sometime this week?
I just hope things settle down a bit soon. I don't know how to see past or cope with this right now, because I don't know what's going on or what to expect. I don't even know why this is such a big deal for me, but it is, and I can't ignore it anymore. I don't know how I'll cope with August, either - I'll find out for sure whether I can continue seeing my pdoc, and... he'll be on vacation when I do. At least I feel a little bit better after venting - I'm so glad I found this place. Hopefully things will look a little more manageable in the morning.
poster:Klokka
thread:357815
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/358840.html