Posted by snapper on June 10, 2004, at 19:40:21
Hey everyone, I usually don't post on this board very often but I thought It would be the most appropriate place to ask some questions and try to get some answers.
A little background : I have suffered from long term depression and anxiety (clinical at least) for 14 years plus. I do not know who I am any more
and maybe I never did. I seem to be resistant to 99% of meds and my regular p-doc seems to think that my primary problems are because of my personality. I don't think he is innacurate in this diagnosis but I just can't seem to accpet this fact. I have primary diagnosis(s) of BP II, personality disorder and seems like all of the anxiety disorders, hypo-chondriasis, somatization symptoms and more. I read about personality disorders on line and it seems like I have symptoms of all of them...Is this because I am sick? It scares me to death! I know I suffer from reading into my symptoms too much but I feel almost entirely and utterly helpless and hopless that these things will ever change. My pdoc says that it will take a very skilled therapist to help me. I live with my family but have not always been dependent on them. I used to have a life. I had my own business but I also destroyed it by drinking and gambling problems which are in my opinion very closely tied to mental illness and tring to cover up symptoms while trying to hold everything together. I won't go into extreme detail but I will just say that I had numerous major losses over the last 14 years and each problem just seemed to get harder to overcome and the eventual demise of my business which resulted in ch 7 bankruptcy. I literally lost everything, relationships, car, my home, had very bad legal problems, lawsuits and more. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself as I know that everyone goes through major losses in life but I just got totally overwhelmed by my circumstances and just caved in and finally was able to get most of my legal problems resolved , got SSDI and have been living with my parents ever since this occured. I am very thankful that they are healthy and able to provide me a good place to live but, I don't feel that recovery is ever possible. From what I read it is next to impossible to recover from a personality disorder let alone severe ,chronic anxiety and depression and it makes me very hopeless and suicidal. I somehow know that although I am *only* 37 that my chances for a life are very bleak. No chance for a wife a family a career or independence so why even try!
I feel weak, anxious, confused, lost, angry, and all the other things that go along with depression and anxiety disorders. My parents and my older sister who also lives with us (42) is triying to rebuild her life are as supportive as they can be but I know that despite thier best efforts that I am just a burden waiting to die. I don't really want to die but don't see anything different for myself but continued anguish and pain and that no amount of therapy will ever overcome. I isolate because my nervous system and my brain just plain hurt. It is physically hard to try and participate in social things. I just can't tolerate the excessive noise and stimulation it is like sheer torture. I wish this were not the case because I know that being out and participating in life are the things that are supposed to help depression. Social phobia, ocd, and panic don't help. Trying to participate just makes thing worse. I could go on but I won't. I just wanted to vent a little and see if anybody knows of any *real* solutions. I have very few friends outside my immediate family. I know that I am addicted to this forum, from day till night hoplessely looking for answers. I know its' not just about meds but still I look and lurk hoping to find any semblance of my suffering, hoping that I will find answers and some relief. Every single hour is so damn hard. Any thoughts are welcomed. Thanks for listening.
snapper
poster:snapper
thread:355551
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/355551.html