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Waaaaaahhhhhhhh

Posted by Dinah on June 8, 2004, at 16:00:35

OK, I caved into what I perceived my therapist to want, and had made an appointment to get my hair cut today. I intended to speak with my hair stylist about getting a radical change, and we decided to go with a process that should have left my grey hairs blondish rather than silvery while leaving the rest of my hair untouched. And of course, it went wrong. My whole hair turned out dark brown. My hair stylist swears that is my natural hair color, minus the grey but I don't believe that for a second. It's darker than my brows for heavens sake, which has never been true. So after an hour of work, I went back and told her we need to fix this so I'm going Friday for that. $$$$ on top of $$$$, none of which I have. She says highlights will do it. I don't think it will. I think I need the whole d*mn head of hair lightened. And I liked my mouse-pelt greyish blondish brownish hair. Waaaaaahhhhhhh.

Then I had a lovely (NOT!) conversation with my therapist about my excessive desire to please him and my belief that he didn't find my appearance acceptable. I think he used a lot of sophistry to try to confuse the issue with whether I had the right to do whatever I want with my appearance (Of course I do. Duh!!!) and that it really doesn't matter to him what I do with my appearance (I know that too). But my point was that he had been sending out subtle and not so subtle messages for years that he thought my self esteem must be poor because I didn't care for my appearance, I was disconnected from my body because I didn't care for my appearance, I would be showing others courtesy by taking more care with my appearance. If you add the comments together (or even take them separately) I think you have to conclude that he thinks my appearance and grooming are lacking. More sophistry and changing of the subject.

Then he trumped me. He said that what he thought of my appearance was none of my business. That his personal preferences were his business, and he tried to keep them out of the therapy room, and if he had failed he wanted to know how so that he could improve.

Well, he had me. I had known all along that it was unbelievably rude of me to *notice* such a personal thing about him as his opinion about my appearance. I would no sooner *notice* his nose picking or bare ankles. To mention such a thing was incredibly intrusive and rude of me. I am mortified. I have absolutely no relationship with him as a person and he, as a person, has absolutely no relationship with me. I don't know why I forgot my manners.

I feel like I need to take some time away from therapy to make sure I place our relationship back in its proper context. A week or two perhaps. That should be long enough for a mental adjustment. And seeing him before then might just be painful. But I'm afraid he'll see my taking some time off as game playing or trying to hurt him. As if I could hurt him by taking time off. Geesh.

 

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poster:Dinah thread:354845
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/354845.html