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Re: Update and apology Aphrodite

Posted by DaisyM on June 2, 2004, at 12:29:20

In reply to Update and apology, posted by Aphrodite on June 2, 2004, at 10:15:37

Please don't apologize. We all disappear now and then. I think what you are feeling is really common and I think you've already identified that this is fear taking over. It *is* hard to be this open and does feel awful to not know how to pull yourself up out of the pain. But this is why you took yourself into therapy, to get the support you need to sort this all out.

I'd like to share with you something I wrote in an email to a friend this past Monday:

"So I take a breath, shake myself and sternly say,"Get hold of yourself. You are not 5 and you don't need to cling to anyone." In many ways I think I've forgotten that I *am* a resilient person. I *can* handle a crisis, I'm NOT really going to fall apart and ultimately my life is my life and I just need to remember to handle it with humor and grace.

"Having people who encourage me to be honest about how I feel allows me to whine and wallow in my own sadness. I'm not complaining that I have you. I am just really aware that I always seem to be telling you how awful everything is...and how I can't handle it. And I don't usually do that. I don't want to be this pathetic friend who sucks your wisdom and support (OK, maybe I do want that simultaneously with not wanting that.)

"I guess I never learned how to balance the giving and the getting. I either give totally - I listen, problem solve, commiserate and defend, or get - I whine, feel sad, tell how much it hurts and how much it sucks. I try to balance this with you but I know it is way more about me and what I need than it has been about you. I know you don't want me to apologize and I can see you shaking your head and saying, "but that is honest. That is how you've been feeling!"

"I feel a little bit like an anorexic who can't tell if they are fat or not. I can't tell if I'm asking for more support than I should because asking for it at all feels so wrong and intrusive. I'm trying to trust that you, and (my Therapist), would back off, give me signals if it is overwhelming. But it is hard to trust that."

Aphrodite, I've been in therapy a year and I still struggle with accepting that I need to lean on other people. I do it best here on Babble. My friend wrote back a wonderful reply, telling me that it was OK to lean, that I did reciprocate, etc. etc. And she reminded me that isolating myself only made it worse.

I hope you can talk in therapy tomorrow about your reaction to last week. I think you need to ask about phoning between sessions. I felt slightly better once I knew that it was typical for very competent, strong people to feel like the rug had been pulled from under them. All these pent up feelings are very powerful and bring up so many "kid-like" responses. I hope your Therapist helps you stay with it. And post here if you think it will help. It has often been a life-line for me.




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