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Re: Maybe I can post this part

Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2004, at 9:54:52

In reply to I tried but I couldn't do it., posted by Dinah on May 29, 2004, at 9:36:49

I'm feeling much better, thank you. I hadn't been sleeping but a few hours a night, and I think it caught up with me.

There are two problems. The first is that I've pretty much decided that nothing is going to make me feel good about myself until I lose weight. That's the only thing that has even the tiniest chance of changing my face from a duplicate of my mom's. And I'm not going to feel good about myself as long as I look in the mirror and see my mom's face. I want to look like me again. And I don't want to see my mom's face with makeup, or with a different hairstyle (already my hair looks nothing like my mom's), or different clothes (I dress nothing like my mom). I want to see me again, and if that ever happens I'll worry about the rest. I don't know why my therapist can't understand this.

Anyway, when I told him this and told him of my efforts to exercise and diet (which are thus far yielding no results to my dismay and confusion), he suggested that I color my hair. When I demurred, in surprise, hurt, and with the knowledge I didn't want to color my hair, he seemed a bit irritated. When I asked him about it, he said I had a way of dismissing his suggestions. I told him that that wasn't my intent, but reminded him that I had tried coloring my hair for a while and that it hadn't looked very good. He suggested that I have a professional do it, and remind myself that it was an investment. I told him that I had a limited amount of free money, and that I had to make choices with it, and that at the moment I was choosing to see him. He backed off right away with a joke about it being a shame he didn't do colour.

The problem is that I like my hair colour and see no reason to colour it. Or at least I did until he said that. I think the grey coming in looks like the blonde I had as a child, and overall I like the softer look and thinks it looks more "me" than I did before. It is hurtful to me that he so strongly be in favor of my coloring my hair, when I expressed no dissatisfaction with it. And come to think of it, his entire dogged determination to change my entire appearance is disconcerting to me. I asked my husband if there is something really "off" about the way I present myself in public, or if I embarassed him with the way I groomed myself. His answer was no, I was just fine in looks, although my behavior sometimes embarasses him. :)

Anyway, I've decided to tell my therapist he needs to back off the looks thing for a while. That he's pushing something that is more important to him than it is to me, and making me feel even worse about myself in the process. I never even questioned my hair colour till now. And the thing I do want to change about myself (the weight) he pretty much ignores and doesn't give me much encouragement on.

It's also setting up a real internal conflict because I really want to please him, I've done tons of things to please him, yet he's asking me to do things I actively don't want to do. And things that aren't necessary for me to do.

The other thing is about him pushing me to see him Monday when I want to just wait till Thursday, and when I just saw him Friday and am feeling fine (or was feeling fine till I went to therapy). It's hard to tell when they do that whether they have your best interests or their own at heart. Or if he thinks my level of functioning is way lower or more precarious than I do. :( How can you tell if they're pushing you to have more sessions whether your wellbeing or their pocketbook is in mind?

I know that sounds like I don't trust him, and I feel awful about it, but I also remember that when he was going out of town regularly he saw the spaces between my appointments as a growth opportunity. How can the different points of view be considered to be in my best interests when they so clearly fit in with his own best interests?




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