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Re: Update

Posted by DaisyM on May 27, 2004, at 20:04:29

In reply to Re: Update Pfinstegg, posted by antigua on May 27, 2004, at 16:50:42

Oh Antigua, I just want you to be you too. I hate the word survivor, but I can see why people like it. And I don't want to be a victim either. I haven't found the word yet, maybe I won't.

I asked that question sometime this week: When will I be done with this? My Therapist said I will most likely get to the point where I can talk about it (at least to him) without it causing a complete meltdown but that it will proably always hurt. Since I can't change the past, I don't see it as a choice really, I have to work through it. Otherwise "it" wins. You know?

The first episode of touching I remember was when I was 7. It stopped when I was almost 13. But then he moved across the country and "abandoned" me. And I felt guilty because I was glad he was gone and I missed him terribly. Day/night feelings, Love/hate. I often think it would be easier in to many ways if he was dead as I try to work on this stuff. Our relationship for the past 20 years has been "OK" -- I think of him as two seperate people. And as far as my mother goes, I'll never tell her, I don't think. My Therapist brought that up today, what do I think she knew about and how did I feel about her? This is an extremely painful piece for me and since we have a 4 day weekend, I told him I wasn't ready to go there.

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad right now. I do wish we could all get together. On the other hand, it might be more honest to keep sharing this way. None of those pesky facial expressions!

Take good care.




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