Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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I really and truly give up

Posted by Aphrodite on May 27, 2004, at 15:20:19

I finally summoned the courage today to talk about very difficult things with my therapist. Specifically, I told him how I was left alone a lot as a young child, that I was rejected by my family, that I have no idea how to connect and bond to others. I didn't break down, but I cried as I talked about how I longed to have connection and that I feel intensely for others but it doesn't feel safe to have close relationships. I told him that I feel defective, unlovable, and that I feel so burdensome and lonely that I struggle with suicidal thoughts. All of this and more was very hard to say. He couldn't not have had a more sincere and sympathetic look on his face as he listened if he tried. He was very validating. He asked thoughtful questions. Still, I felt extremely stupid and uncared for. Did he do anything to provoke that? Nope. But I feel that way anyway.

But then, at the end of the session, he turned the sympathy off, and the enormity of what just happened seemed to escape him. The manner of his send off was unfeeling and flippant that I felt he should have just said, "See you next week unless you kill yourself before then." I'm sure my perception is off, but I feel so much worse than when I went in. Tons worse.

This just happened 30 minutes ago, and I am very emotional right now. But I think that therapy is not the way I am going to heal. Maybe I need a church or some other way to find peace. I can't take this. I can't pour my heart out to someone I pay. I need someone who can genuinely care for me, but unfortunately no one is like that in my life right now.

I am going to write a letter terminating this 7 month torture. I just can't feel this badly anymore.




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poster:Aphrodite thread:351182