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Therapy confused! Trigger

Posted by antigua on May 25, 2004, at 13:35:27

Well, many of you know that I have PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse. I've been in therapy for about 13 years with the same therapist and have tried a few other therapies along the way. Right now I'm doing EMDR once a week along with my once weekly therapy. My EMDR is supplementary and my regular T is in charge (who's really great).

Well, today I had EMDR. We had been working on connecting with the little girl who experienced the abuse. I have some memories, but don't have flashbacks, just intense feelings. Mostly I'm paralyzed and can't move when I'm faced with a disturbing situation and I've learned in the last six months about how I disassociated (didn't know I did it or even what it was). So now I know. I understand the goal of my therapy is to integrate the little girl w/the adult so that I can accept/understand/feel, whatever, what happened to me so it won't continue to blindside me in my present day life.

So that's where I was this morning. Today I learned that I not only have one little girl, I have two! I'm out of my mind over this. There is my body, the good girl, who took it, and then there is the evil me who floated away and laughed/criticized, humiliated, etc. the little girl with the body. I recognize that the "evil one" (only word I can use) is really my anger, but it feels like I'm two totally different people?

And I always thought I was a nice person, but I've discovered how hateful I've been to myself.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone at all? I'm so confused. I see my regular T tomorrow so I'll make it until then, but this really scares me.




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