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Re: U WIN .. I LOSE **MAY TRIGGER** toomuchpain

Posted by Racer on May 25, 2004, at 11:28:33

In reply to Re: U WIN .. I LOSE **MAY TRIGGER**, posted by toomuchpain on May 25, 2004, at 10:56:20

You know, I'm with gardenergirl, too -- I'm outraged that you're not being protected appropriately from this man.

I haven't followed this, so I don't know all of it, but here are a few thoughts that have come to mind:

Talk to your therapist, tell her what you've told us: that you're finally feeling able to trust her and don't want to lose that because it was so difficult for you to get to that place with her after your previous experiences. Ask her what *she* can do to help protect you. This isn't one of those snaky "dependency" issues, by the way, so make sure you make it clear to her that you don't believe it's about capital D dependency -- it's about making sure that HE ABIDES BY A SANCTION. Right? That means that accommodation should be made, no matter how difficult it might be for them. Since you were, it seems, the injured party and not a participant with a mutual share of that sanction, it shouldn't be unreasonable for them to make sure, at least, that he NEVER speaks to you. That, "how are you doing?" bulldropping really gets my back up, because he knows that he's baiting you and knows that no one will take you seriously about it. "Oh? He asked you how you were? What's wrong with that?" That, my girl, is abusive behavior. You have every right to be protected from abuse in a therapeutic environment.

Talk to your therapist about what she, herself, can do to help protect you from this turmoil. Frame it as another way to solidify the trust you're building with her. I don't know if there's anything she can do, but she may know of something helpful and effective. Until you ask her directly for exactly what you need, you don't know, either.

Is there a patient's rights advocate associated with this agency? That's another avenue to explore. Again, there may not be much they can do directly to help you, but having someone watching your back and ready to support you on this issue alone will probably help a lot more than you think now. (Been in similar situations.)

Right now, I'm betting the trauma you feel about maybe seeing him is getting into a wrestling match with the helplessness and uncertainty of the situation, and just magnifying everything. For instance, are you more afraid of seeing him? Or of not knowing when and where and whether you'll see him? In a similar situation, I know I would be so wound up about maybe running into him unexpectedly that I wouldn't be able to calm down enough to think about anything else at all, let alone useful things I could do to improve my safety. Add in the helplessness about not having any way to protect yourself from the abuse, and stir... Man, no wonder you're suffering so much anguish!

I wish there was something we could do more directly for you, but please know that -- based on the current sampling -- we all support you entirely in this. We're all pulling for you, and will offer what we can until this settles out for you.

(In hospital last year, there was an orderly who was really awful with women. Probably ten years younger than I, and treated me as if I were five years old. I couldn't stand to see his face after a few days. And he WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I'm not a violent person, don't even have violent impulses in the normal course of my life, but I came very close to throwing a food tray at him one day when he just wouldn't let up. It was so overwhelming: here I was, failed at suicide, in total despair with no way out of the hell I was in, involuntarily hospitalized, in a hospital that did not offer anything beyond drugs and plastic forks for our protection, I hadn't eaten in nearly a week (no one said a word, by the way), and this guy is standing over me telling me I *have* to eat AND WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. Later a couple of the men on the ward told me that they were appalled by his behavior, too, so it wasn't just me. I also heard him doing the same thing to other women on the ward. None of the men, he was really submissive to the men, but terrible with women. [OK, that means he was terrible with both sexes, but you know what I mean] Every time he was on duty I got eaten alive with worry about having him pick me again as his target. The last thing I did when I was finally released was to file a complaint against him. I was too afraid of reprisals to do it until I could get away, which made me feel helpless. Guess what? Filing that complaint really helped. It made me feel as if I *could* do something to protect myself, or at least I *could* *DO* something. I wasn't helpless. Makes a difference. I really hope that you do talk to the therapist and to a patient advocate about this, and I hope it makes you feel more powerful, too.)

Best luck, and be well.




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