Posted by karen_kay on May 18, 2004, at 14:59:11
guys, i really just don't know anymore. i had group today and he mentioned that someone quit the group and returned to individual sessions with him. he asked how i felt about that. honestly, i'm glad the guy did it because he really seemed to be struggling lately. i got the impression he wanted me to be angry about it, but i honestly am not.
then, he asked about consistency and our impressions of the group. i finally stated that he is the biggest influence on my impression of the other members. that making comments such as 'he's not consistent' or 'i don't expect to see him back here' influences me much more than that person's behavior. he said he appreciated my input.
i also said that before group i'm very nervous because i'm afraid he's going to say something that i'd rather not discuss. and then when i leave group, most of the time i'm angry.
well, later he brought up the homeless. i said, 'i wish you wouldn't have brought that up' he said 'well, i'm trying to respect your boundaries and since you have discussed this topic in group, i thought it would be ok to bring up again' i said 'i just mean that i've forgotten about it for the time being and now you've reminded me of it' he said 'well, how many times last week did you think about homeless people?' i realized i hadn't and i burst into tears. he moved on.
at the end of the session, he said 'i want to get back to you to make sure you don't leave angry. are you angry because i reminded you that you hadn't thought about homeless people this week?' i said 'no, i'm not angry bubba, i'm hurt and feel selfish for not even thinking about others this whole week.' of course, he gave me the whole speech about being a good person and having to help myself before helping others, blah blah blah....
i just feel like he made that comment on purpose to hurt me (and god it hurt), just to say 'you're a bad person karen, here's the proof. you don't even think about other people and i'm here to point it out.' especially because he asked me if i was angry, and especially because i challenged him about biasing our impressions of the other members. maybe he didn't, maybe he expected me to say 'i thought about homeless people 56 times' maybe i should have thought about them. i just feel horrible, and i shouldn't feel horrible after group. i should feel better, right? this really is becoming a pattern...
and i feel bad for posting this, because i know people think i should leave. i know i should leave. it's really just not that simple. and besides, if i try to leae now, he'll say 'you're just following the other person's lead, ect. you should be in group, ect.' so, i'll go next week and he'll follow up with this discussion, as it was a 'big one'. and i'll cry again and feel like i'm a horrible person because hopefully i'll be able to put this out of my mind sometime soon. and i honestly don't think i have a problem for thinking about homeless people and being hurt about suffering. i have a problem for not doing anything about it.
i'm sorry, i sound like a broken record. go ahead, yell at me please!