Posted by B2chica on May 13, 2004, at 10:29:26
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar? (long) » B2chica, posted by Angel Girl on May 12, 2004, at 17:19:52
Sorry so long.
> Yes, I do outwardly express my feelings but only to those I know can handle it.
-we all do this no matter what problems or concerns we have, people don't like rejection so they test to be safe.
>When I tell my net friends, they flee as fast as they can. I don't have any friends here, just the ones on the net and now I think they have all abandoned me too. I always do something to screw up relationships. I can't see to manage them. It's never their fault, always mine but I keep doing the same stupid things that turn them off.
-if they flee at all, then they weren't ever real friends and right now in your life you don't need that. and for the record, i may only post once in a while but i will not abandoned you. after reading this reply it seems we have a lot more in common than you'd know.
-You may think you screw things up but maybe what you are doing is testing that relationship-and choosing to force them away so that you "dump them" before they can hurt you.
> The mood stablizers I'm on have kept me alive. I'm not sure I should be really grateful for that because I'm certainly not happy by any stretch of the imagination.
-fyi, if i understand this correctly the mood stabilizers actually affect the synapses(electrical current) not the chemical imbalance, so you will need both a mood stabilizer as well as and AD. i'm using trileptal (MS) and WellbutrinXL (AD) along with some others but this combo has Really made a HUGE difference in my life.
> My son and his girlfriend came to visit me several days ago and were appalled on the condition of my apartment.
-first of all, i think Anyone who has depression has delt with this issue, you're lucky if you can get out of bed let alone pick up anything or clean anything. 2ndly, it's not anyone's place to judge how you live...i think your son i just concerned like you mention about the amount of drugs you're on and that he sees no improvement.
>He has decided to go to my pdoc appt with me tomorrow to question my meds and progress, or lack thereof.
-What a wonderful son. This shows he cares and that he's not just critisizing.
> My GP doesn't seem to know of a therapist to send me to and I haven't asked my pdoc yet. I will tomorrow.
-This is a Very good start! it sounds like your son would jump on the bandwagon to help out here too if you asked.
> I do believe that God places each of us...I just can't imagine why he would want me to go through this or anybody else for that matter.
-Who says God WANTS you to go through this? I may be wrong, but i've always believed that God knows everything that we will experience in our lifetime but because we all have free will, life just happens. I think of God as someone who made the "foundation" of us, made the building blocks of our life but didn't lay out the road.
>I have gone through some pretty bad times in my life, including rape, sexual molestation and the law as well as numerous times of being depressed but none have taken a hold on me as much as this one. I can't seem to shake this one off for some reason.
-it's because it is a Physiological issue, something you cannot control or "shake off".
>i told my pdoc I'm not sure she is the right person for me either so I'm glad my son is coming with me tomorrow. I'd like to get his take on it.
-see, you have a plan. and your son is right there walking with you, by your side. You have someone that loves you obviously through it all, good and bad. Hang on to that.
> I don't see how I bring anything to this board except my depression...
-just so you know, people don't typically come here because they just won the lottery. At one time or another we all have felt depression or anxiety or mania or voices...etc.
That's what makes babble So Great! people here understand.
>...which nobody needs to really read about. I don't want to bring others down to my level when they are dealing with their own demons.
-don't make that call. What's great about a discussion board is people won't read what they don't want to and no one knows the difference. And don't assume that your emotional experience is bringing others down, in fact. i come here (as i'm sure do others) to read to find someone that is experiencing something similar to what i'm feeling. Therefore you exact expressions may make someone feel just a little less alone in this world, just a little more accepted, just a little more loved, or just a little less like an "unwanted".
True, we all have our demons to deal with,but that's why we're all here, we are helping each other bit by bit, to deal, to cope, to fight, and to hang on.
>Is it too much to ask to have a happy life?
-NEVER!!!!! You Desever it Just as Everyone does! Never doubt that!
>>And then when I talk about my problems to my net 'friends' they tell me that there is far more people a lot worse in the world ie: those suffering from cancer, etc. That only makes me feel even more guilty and unworthy and alone.
-boy, again this is major commonality, i'm in the process of trying to express this to my therapist but can't seem to say it. I'm trying to deal with some past issues, (even a few you've mentioned). but when i think of mine, i remember when i was in the hospital and one of the people i met was repeatedly raped by her own father for years, one woman had been raped and sodomized and was dealing with what was probably terminal cancer, and one other was a young man MAYBE 20 that had been molested and sodomized several times growing up.
When i think of them i can't help but think How Selfish i am to think my problems are ANYTHING compared to those, that i'm selfish, overly dramatic, attention seeking, useless, worthless, and shamful for even wanting to talk about my SO CALLED (pathetic excuse for) PROBLEMS.
i don't have a lot of great advice here cuz i'm going through this too, but one comment my T made was that it won't do me any good to compare my "problems" to others because i'm not them. i have no right to compare, one way or another. That these are MY problems and that's what makes the difference. Even if they are infact small problems they are still mine and they still need to be delt with.
I hope that in even a little way what i've written to you will get across that I do care, and that I (though may not mean much) think you are important and worthwhile. Just get out there are start asking questions. And Please, hold on to that wonderful son of yours (though i don't think i need to tell you that).
Best of luck Angel Girl