Posted by Angel Girl on May 12, 2004, at 17:19:52
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar? » Angel Girl, posted by B2chica on May 12, 2004, at 10:00:03
> > Thanks for everybody's opinions. I feel my meds are doing absolutely nothing for me.
> -first, you answered thisone with your comment below of getting 2nd (or 3rd, 4th etc) opinions-Good For You!
> >I'm severely depressed and feel my life is never going to change. I feel so hopeless and lonely with no self-worth or self-esteem.
> Unfortunately there will be times like this, but know that with help (docs, friends, family etc) you WILL get better, you won't feel so hopeless OR lonely.
> > I'm going to try and get a 2nd opinion on my meds. I can't understand why the ones I'm taking aren't doing anything for me except keeping me alive. I used to be extremely suicidal and I often wish that God had not saved me from myself.
> Boy reading this gave me chills. I can't tell you how many times i've prayed to just let me die. To save everyone from me, the pain i cause them. That i've cursed myself for being so d@mn slow and stupid to not have completed the one job i should.
> PLEASE know that we here UNDERSTAND these feelings. One thing you should be proud of is that you are expressing these feelings outwardly. You are no longer keeeping these in. The right med combo will come in time. i realize that knowledge doesn't make the 'now' any easier, but it's true. Please hang on tight, if you don't think you can, turn to us, call your pdoc, or Please go to the ER and get help. You are worth it Angel Girl, Please. There is so much waiting for you.
> > I don't have a therapist, so I'm looking for one but it has to be one that is covered by the government, or else I can't afford it.
> is there anyone helping you with this? ask your GP or pdoc. they should be able to help you with this.
> > I often wonder what the point of living is. :(
> > Angel Girl
> the point? God placed your soul here for a reason. to touch other souls, through your joy, pain, and daily works you touch SO many lives. Just look at all you've touched JUST by posting here. Babble would not be so great if it weren't for each of the beautiful people that gather here, both in pained spirits and in joyous.
> You bring something to this place, something very unique, something bright, something touching, something specifically 'Angel Girl'.
> NEVER forget that.
Yes, I do outwardly express my feelings but only to those I know can handle it, which is few and far between. When I tell my net friends, they flee as fast as they can. I don't have any friends here, just the ones on the net and now I think they have all abandoned me too. I always do something to screw up relationships. I can't see to manage them. It's never their fault, always mine but I keep doing the same stupid things that turn them off.
I'm not sudical right now but have been in the past and quite severely for quite awhile. I wish I had the nerve to carry it through. Now I don't want to but I'm VERY unhappy with my life. The mood stablizers I'm on have kept me alive. I'm not sure I should be really grateful for that because I'm certainly not happy by any stretch of the imagination.
My son and his girlfriend came to visit me several days ago and were appalled on the condition of my apartment. I never have the ambition, energy or desire to ever do anything. They had a talk with me and told me that it's not normal to live like this and look at all the pills I'm taking and they're not working. My son thinks I'm taking way too many meds when he can see that there has been no improvement in the last 2 years. I don't think he would question it if I had made changes for the better but I haven't. He has decided to go to my pdoc appt with me tomorrow to question my meds and progress, or lack thereof.
My GP doesn't seem to know of a therapist to send me to and I haven't asked my pdoc yet. I will tomorrow. Other than that, Iive been looking on the net and in the phone book for therapists. But I can't afford to pay them, so that really narrows down the avalibility. Most charge. I MUST go to someone that is paid by the government.
I do believe that God places each of us on this earth and allows whatever happens in each of our lives good or bad to transpire. I just can't imagine why he would want me to go through this or anybody else for that matter. I have gone through some pretty bad times in my life, including rape, sexual molestation and the law as well as numerous times of being depressed but none have taken a hold on me as much as this one. I can't seem to shake this one off for some reason. I'm told I'm BP2. I don't experience hypomania anymore just SEVERE depression. I try to hide it from my family so that they don't worry. I have told my pdoc though. I'm not sure she is the right person for me either so I'm glad my son is coming with me tomorrow. I'd like to get his take on it.
I don't see how I bring anything to this board except my depression which nobody needs to really read about. I don't want to bring others down to my level when they are dealing with their own demons.
I thought the mood stabilizers would help me to feel 'normal', whatever that is. I'm just sooooo tired of feeling so sad and crying, sometimes not even knowing the reason why. Is it too much to ask to have a happy life? And then when I talk about my problems to my net 'friends' they tell me that there is far more people a lot worse in the world ie: those suffering from cancer, etc. That only makes me feel even more guilty and unworthy and alone.
Thanks for your reply. It means a lot to me.
Sorry this is so long. :(