Posted by starlight on May 11, 2004, at 14:18:07
In reply to Re: Remember Me - Terminating Psychiatrist?, posted by starlight on May 7, 2004, at 16:51:05
I've made a phone call to a new Pdoc who comes highly recommended and is a female. Keep your fingers crossed for me since I do really need some medication adjustments.
I had a really interesting dream last night about the doc who has treated me so badly. I dreamt that I was standing on a wooden deck and he was about 10 feet away and approaching me slowly with this apologetic look in his eyes, behind him was an older grey haired & bearded man (godly archetype) and he too had a look of compassion on his face. As arse hole pdoc approached I kept telling him to stay the heck away from me that he had already done enough damage. I was yelling that I had trusted him and how he violated that trust, he kept coming closer and I told him to stop and when he didn't I jumped over the deck onto the ground and went to this other deck where the scenario started again. And again he had this look on his face like he was really sorry that he had hurt me so badly and I went through the same type of language and again ran as he got closer.
Are you ready for my interpretation? My father was a very authoritarian man - a cop with a vicious temper. He emotionally, mentally and physically abused me. If I was getting a spanking, he would make me pull down my pants & underwear and lay across his lap and he would hit me so hard that I would have dark bruises in the shape of handprints on my butt for days. I would always loose control of my bladder out of pure fear - and that was just spankings, not the times that he would come after me...you get the picture. And when he was done spanking me, he would wait a few minutes and then hold me on his lap, stroke my hair, and tell me how much he loved me and that it hurt him more than it hurt me.
This dream reminded me of that. Interesting eh?
I want to confront him. I've been thinking about it for days. I want him to know that he violated my trust and that I think he's a terrible doctor. I want him to know that he's just reinforced my experience with men of his type, that they're not to be trusted or maybe just plain evil. My yelling at him in the dream seems to confirm this. I do think there should be a mediator there and that it should be set up like a meeting rather than an appointment, so that he doesn't go putting some new note in my chart that I'm now dangerous or confrontational or something stupid. Part of my problem has always been being scared of men like him and my father. It took me until I was 26 years old to finally stand up to my father. It would be good practice!
I want you to know that I appreciate all the support that you guys have given me. I haven't had really anyone else to share this stuff with at this level and believe me, I have needed it! So Thank You All!