Posted by gardenergirl on May 10, 2004, at 21:06:10
In reply to Doing better but scared..., posted by Pandabear on May 10, 2004, at 16:37:55
I think I can relate, at least indirectly. If not, I apologize for going off on my own tangent. But I've been thinking about this since I left therapy this afternoon.
Interesting. I'm at a similar point in my therapy, I think. Just had a session today when I felt really weird. I know I am doing better. We've worked on a lot of the surface, obvious things, but it is obvious to both of us there is more to dig into if I choose. I do want to go deeper, but I feel like I have absolutely no idea how. I do trust that my T will help me and will let me know if he thinks I'm not continuing to work, but I just feel really weird and stuck. I don't know why I feel so different and helpless or ineffective in therapy all of a sudden.
Today I was thinking about what I wanted to talk about on my drive to my session (granted, it's just right across campus, so I didn't think too deeply.) But I thought I might ask him for his assessment of how things were going and where I am at. I've been going for close to a year now, and recently I've felt more depressed. I know that I am not back to the beginning, as if I never started, but in session today, for some reason, I really needed to hear him say that I was doing okay as far as making progress and continuing to work. (probably some kind of transference in needing approval from an authority figure).
So I guess I am feeling dependent on him and trusting him to lead the way, or at least to be with me on the way. But I can't see the way, which really bothers me. I asked him for a preview of coming attractions, but of course he can't give that to me. Whatever is in my unconscious that I am afraid of will come out when it is ready. But I was really aware that I spent the whole session "not being ready." It's frustrating.
But what do I do in the meantime? I'm doing okay, functionally. So I do still feel better overall, but I feel really helpless in therapy. It's so weird. I kept using that word over and over today. For some reason, it was the experience of being in session and talking about this with my T that I discovered how confused and unsure I was.
I guess there are times when we just have to trust in the process despite feeling so unsure. If you are feeling better and are ready to step back some, then trust that that is right for you. Perhaps it takes getting used to each new phase? It may be that you experience feeling ready to separate some from your T, but since this is not what you are used to (you said you were codependent), then it feels weird outside of the session???
I'm just rambling because I'm feeling mighty confused right now, myself. Hope something there is of help.