Posted by ghost on May 7, 2004, at 17:52:53
In reply to What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by Angel Girl on May 7, 2004, at 17:16:25
hey, angel girl,
i've never know what it's like to NOT be bp, heh. but i'll try and answer some of your questions...
up until recently, i think i had this natural ability to adapt and use it to my advantage: when i was manic, full of energy, didn't need sleep, and felt i could change the world, that was when i got all of my major projects done for school, when i was heavily involved in outside activities, and generally just tried to do it all. i'm sure it was mania that sparked me to start a support group for gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered/questioning teens in my area when i was in high school, enroll simultaneously in an EMT and CNA course, and drive to new orleans from new hampshire one weekend. when i'm manic, i'm on top of the world, and there isn't anything i can't accomplish.
(incidentally, also when i'm manic, i've been known to spend money like it's going out of style and seek out random sex partners, even when i'm otherwise committed to a partner. i do know of friends who get very mean and aggrivated when they are manic and are not as productive as i have been, so it varies from person to person.)
on the other side of things, when i'm depressed, it's all i can do to get out of bed in the morning (or anytime), let alone, shower, eat, or change my clothes. i shut out the people i care about, and i won't open up to anyone. i fantasize about death and dying. years ago, i used to sleep all the time: i'd go to work or school (depending on which time in my life this was), come home, sleep straight through until i had to be at work or school the next day. it was like i was on autopilot, going through the motions of life so no one would suspect anything was wrong with me.
then i'd become manic again, and i'd make up for everything i didn't get done when i was depressed.
however, in recent years, things have been a little different. i seem to have some weirdness with my depression where when i'm so depressed i'm contemplating taking my own life, i become giddy and happy at the prospect of doing so. or when i'm so manic i can change the world, i become depressed that no one will *let* me change the world. (i think this might be "rapid cycling," but i've not talked to any professionals about it yet.) it's affected my relationships in that once i shut people out, i don't tend to let them back in. plus whatever wear and tear it has on their own psyches, being with someone so unpredictable and unstable. i know i've lost friends just because i've shut them out for no real tangible reason, or a reason that may have been minor to another person. (is this the bpd talking or the bp? i'm not sure.)
it's been tough with jobs in the past... i used to work full-time until i decided to attend college. (for the first two semesters, i worked and went to school full-time-- the mania was handy then!) it's much easier to be bp when you're in college... unless you really require a strict, regimented schedule, it's easy to work the mania and depression around classes (or if you don't go, no one cares), and you can work at your own pace (relatively speaking). at a job, it's much harder. if you show up unwashed and in the same clothes you've work for three days, it's a little more awkward. i've had jobs where i've called in for two weeks solid before finally calling one last time to say "you know what? this isn't working out" and quitting, because i couldn't get out of bed. i was lucky in most instances where i could afford to be unemployed for a month or so before finding a new job, but at this point in my life, i don't have that luxury.
i'm hoping that if i have a job i enjoy and get into a regular schedule, my symptoms will dissipate. (this may be false hopes, however.) I've decided to quit graduate school after a year and enter the work force, so right now i'm in transition between phases of my life. i'll let you know how the job thing works out when i get one.
as far as meds go, i was misdiagnosed as depressed the first time i saw a doctor many years ago. i was put on an anti-depressant, and was consequently manic for the next 18 months until i took myself off of the drug (inadvertently, but it ended up being for the best). last year, i was put on abilify, which worked great to level things out between the highs and lows until i hit a deep depression a few months ago. i took myself off the meds and actually have an appointment this Monday to try to reestablish the med thing again. we'll see how that goes.
i think what gets to me the most about being bp is the extremes between manic and depressed. when you're manic, you're on top of the world-- so when you're depressed, it makes that jump between "happy" and "not happy" seem that much worse. if you've known the highs of mania, then the lows of depression seem even lower and even more desolate.
sorry to be so long-winded. i hope it helps a little. take care of yourself, and maybe try to treat yourself to something you enjoy.
-ghost
poster:ghost
thread:344489
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/344501.html