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What happened today (very long)

Posted by crushedout on May 4, 2004, at 18:21:30

In reply to Re: For Crushedout, posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2004, at 15:40:13

OK, so here's what happened today. I went in and brought up the cutting immediately. She wanted to know what I was feeling the last time I did it. I couldn't remember anything about it (even though it was last night). I kept saying I was sorry but I couldn't remember, and she kept saying, "That's not good enough for me." After we went back and forth like that a few times, I said, "I wish I could perform for you but I just can't. I really wish I could." She said, "Maybe you can't because you feel like you have to perform." I think I just shrugged.

Then I said I had some guesses about why I was cutting recently. She said, "Well, that's a start." I said that first of all, it *felt* to me like a cry for help, that even though I kept saying I didn't want people to see my cuts, on some level I think I kind of hope they will. She said, "What would you want them to do?" I said I wasn't sure, but for example, I imagined my aunt finding out. "What would she do?" I don't know but she's very matter-of-fact, tough, kind of not very nurturing but I respect her. "So, what do you think she would say?" I said, "I have no idea." Then I paused. "Well, one thing comes to mind, but...." She said, "What comes to mind?" I said, "She would tell me to stop seeing you."

Then I told her that that brought me to my other "theory" about why I might be cutting: to sabotage our relationship because I felt too dependent on her. She said, "Well, you're succeeding at that." I was like, "What do you mean?" She said, "Well, it's pretty clear to me that this relationship is going to end very soon." I was astonished. I was like, "How can you say that? Why would you say that?" I told her I thought the whole point of me telling her about my theory that I was sabotaging our relationship was so we could reverse the process. She said, "Maybe that's what I'm trying to do. Maybe I'm trying to get you to prove me wrong," but almost in a sarcastic tone. I asked her, "Is it? Is that why you said that?" She just made this really weird face, an angry face, like she had something to say but wasn't going to share it with me just to spite me. I was astounded. I was so hurt. I kept telling her I didn't understand what was going on and she made that face at least one more time. I told her I didn't understand what her face meant.

She asked me how I felt and I said "Scared" and I started to cry, but then stopped myself. She asked me how I felt then and I told her I didn't know. She said she wasn't going to "let me off the hook" this time, that discomfort brought about growth and she wasn't going to make herself (or me, I guess) comfortable by giving in and telling me what was going on. That she was thought it was stupid of me to leave knowing exactly how she felt but never knowing anything about myself. She said she would see me on Thursday and then, with a nasty, vicious-looking smile, scooted me out the door. (I think the smile hurt more than anything else in the session actually. I didn't understand it.)

OK, so I came home and posted and tried to sleep. Then, just before going to work, I emailed her. Here's what I wrote:

"[Ellen], I know you're mad at me right now and you seem intent on punishing me (it's working) but please, if you have an opening tomorrow, let me know? You promised you would. We're in a vicious circle and we really need to get out of this. I hope you will help me.

"Please. I'm begging you to be straight with me. I'm trying my hardest, I swear.

"[crushedout]"

Then from work, I sent her another email, which said simply:

"This is a quote from a self-injury website:
'Therapists need to examine their own motives for wanting a client to cease or stabilize his/her self-injurious behavior. Too often, care providers focus on stopping the SI as quickly as possible because they themselves are not comfortable with it -- it repulses them, makes them feel ineffective, frightens them, etc. Situations like this can easily deteriorate into a power struggle in which the therapist insists that the behavior stop and the client chooses to self-injure covertly and becomes reticent and distrustful, thus reducing the chance that a useful therapeutic alliance will be formed.'

"In our case, I guess the word 'formed' should be replaced by 'preserved.'

"I'm just wondering why this is such a dealbreaker for you when you were so patient with me on the drug use, despite my not wanting to stop it for a long time. I hope you'll hang in with me on this, too. (I wouldn't tell you my sabotage theory if I wanted my 'plan' to succeed. And it's only a theory.)"

So then I heard back:

"Hi [crushedout],

"I'm willing to hang in as long as we have an agreement about what we
are doing. You're right, I was angry, but not because you cut. It's
true that I don't want you to cut, for various reasons, and I also
didn't want you to do drugs. Therapeutically, there is not much
difference between the two. We are at a different phase now, though,
and I'm asking you to take responsibility for your actions and
acknowledge your feelings.

"Today you gave me responsibility for making you 'perform,' then didn't,
then indirectly let me know again how I harm you. That combination
was maddening to me. I certainly do not want to harm you, and it
seems that my presence stimulates feelings that cause you to harm
yourself. If you want to work with me, I want to know why you think
it is a good idea.

"What I want is to help you be aware of and work with your feelings for
the purpose of being able to have a satisfying relationship with a
flawed human. I am only one example of one of those. I think you made
progress by the end of the session today, but by then I was not open to
noticing that.

"sorry but I need a break tomorrow. I'll look forward to seeing you on
Thursday.
"best, [Ellen]"

I feel devastated. I guess mostly because she "needs a break" from me tomorrow (it's clearly not that she doesn't have the time). I'm very tempted to tell her I never want to see her again, but I don't know if I'll regret that.

I had no idea it was my "performing" comment or the thing I imagined my aunt would say to me that made her so mad. I was just being honest, honestly telling her what came to mind. I didn't do it to blame her, or to indirectly let her know she was hurting me. I have no desire to do that. I was trying to just be open about what came into my head, because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. :(

I feel like going to sleep for a very, very, very long time. I can't function. I can't even believe I was able to write this post. Thank G*d I could at least do that. I think it's a good sign.

Sorry this was so long. I guess I just needed to get it all out there.

Please help if you can.

crushedout


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poster:crushedout thread:341578
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/343350.html