Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 17:15:11
In reply to Re: afraid to go to appointment (follow-up, kinda) » ghost, posted by B2chica on May 4, 2004, at 15:09:14
you're so very right in that these appointments are as necessary as buying food. it's a good analogy. sadly, sometimes i'd rather go without food in order to save money. (i spent last summer eating only instant mashed potatoes for the most part because i didn't have enough cash.) i guess things aren't that bad now, but i always think about the periods in my life where i've struggled financially and then try to cut corners. but i shouldn't cut corners by cutting this out.
a week *is* a very long time. it's hardest to make it through the weekends for some reason. maybe because during the week, i have excuses to do something-- school or work (both of which are wrapping up, so things are tense there). or maybe it's because there are more people online to keep me company during the week. or maybe it's because there are more interesting tv shows during the week. who knows. but it's always the weekends when i get self-destructive or suicidal urges. i fear going through the weekend with some dumb verbal contract (when verbal promises have never really been upheld in my experience).
i like the idea of waiting it out. "just five more minutes." or something like that. that's a really good idea. i usually just focus on "now"... obviously time passes automatically and you're obviously at the 15 seconds later point in 15 seconds, but you're still focusing on the present at each second... rather than trying to make it to that 15 second point by looking forward. i'm very day-to-day.... the psy. seemed very worried that i would go home and take my stockpile of pills right away. i told him i wasn't planning on taking them today (i'm not). he said "what about tomorrow?" ...well, i can't make any promises about tomorrow, ever. about anything. tomorrow is a very long ways away.
i like the idea of a contract. it makes me feel like i have a friend, too... someone who looks forward to seeing proof of my existence. let's do it. next tuesday we'll each see posts for each other. but that doesn't mean that we can't also post in the meantime. thank you so much.