Posted by DaisyM on May 4, 2004, at 13:18:31
In reply to Getting worse before getting better in therapy, posted by tinydancer on May 4, 2004, at 11:42:48
Tiny,
Your post really touched me. I have some thoughts.
I am older than you and have a lot of acquaintances. People tell me I have "lots" of friends. Most of my friendships are work related and pretty one-sided as far as any "support/advice" stuff goes. My fault, I don't usually tell anyone my problems unless I can make it a funny story or I've already done what needs to be done. The exception here might be that my office is pretty aware of my husband's up and down illness and they can be very supportive around medical stuff. (bunch of nurses and human service people One of the most painful realizations I have had in therapy is how alone I feel. I'm talking about that intense loneliness that is a void so big in your soul you can't imagine how it could ever heal or be filled up.
When we go to this place, it is guaranteed to make me tear up. I, like you, am not a very good crier in therapy. I was trained early that "tears don't solve your problems" so as soon as they well up, I shut down. I've sobbed maybe 3 times in the last year. (sob = face in hands, tears actually down the cheek, for 1 minute or less)
My Therapist thinks this ache is the awareness of what the younger me felt as she dealt with all the bad things -- alone. It is her pain and it is very old and very deep. Since we've opened up all this stuff, it is now my pain in my awareness of how much I hold people at arms length. I tried to do this to my Therapist for a long time. He insists on going into the dark places "with me." He tells me to call when I feel bad even if I don't know what I want, so I don't have to be alone with it. And he tells me crying is OK, especially in the consulting room. That I will stop, because it is biologically impossible not to stop.
I think feeling criticized by someone you hold in such esteem has triggered off very old feelings for you. The need to cry might be coming from a very young place. Especially since you've identified shame in there somewhere. Being weepy doesn't mean you are falling apart. It means you are mourning, and allowing the sadness to come forth.
I've never experienced a group. So I don't know what to tell you there. But it sounds like your expression of emotion was appropriate.
A wise friend said to me recently, "How many friends do you really need? If you have 4 or 5 close friends over a lifetime, consider yourself lucky. If you think about it, you probably don't want most people to know all your private feelings. So try to get OK with surface friends." She added that she felt what I was looking for really wasn't a "friend" but instead a mother. Someone who could nurture me, emotionally and physically, with whom I could unconditionally break down and show my flaws and who would still believe in me and someone who would protect me from all this pain. She is probably right.
So ask yourself...what is it you are looking to have a friend for? The answers might help point you to the right direction of finding some.
In the meantime, I know it isn't the same, but you have lots of friends here. Babble has become a haven for me. I encourage you to use it too. You are worthwhile, you do deserve to be happy.
Take good care.
Daisy
poster:DaisyM
thread:343209
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/343247.html