Posted by tinydancer on May 4, 2004, at 11:42:48
As much as I believe in therapy and have a lot of faith in it, I still struggle (I like to think like any normal human being) when things go downhill after an appointment. I find that its really hard to rationalize in my intellectual mind why I continue going to therapy when I get triggered very badly after a session. On one hand I think this means that the appointment was a good one: work was done. No pain, no gain. (I'm a bit of a masochist.)
In my last appointment I had to take some criticism (doled out gently) and it just affected me deeply. I relived so many things both in that moment and afterwards. I feel like suddenly so much has flowed to the surface. I'm scared because I'm tearful and I'm a NON crier. When I cry that is nearly the same as self injuring for me in the sense that I take it as a sign that I am really down in the gutter. Usually the tears come from sadness, depression, but this time it is a lot different. They seem to be more from shame and feeling inadequate and unworthy to even be alive.
Today I had group and one of the members discussed her brother's suicide-last Monday was the 11 year memorial. Obviously that was extremely emotional but the discussion of suicide triggered something in me. Several times I got teary eyed and finally when it was my turn to talk I really lost it. Interestingly this is the first time I have cried in group. EVER. Last year I was in group 3 x week for 4 months and now its down to every 2 weeks and yet still no tears, no matter what I've talked about. (People do not like the non-criers, I've noticed). I just said how I felt so ashamed, because the truth was that no matter how nice I tried to be, how nice I tried to look, how intelligent or funny I was, I had basically no friends and that proved that I was a loser, and to me that is the worse insult a person could have. I said that I felt so alone and that I only wanted a friend. Those words were jarring for me, even to say them. I'm amazed I could even get them out, because that was really opening my heart to the other group members (most of which don't even like me).
Can anyone relate to this at all? Ideas? Thoughts? Especially about the fear of suddenly being tearful. Does that sound stupid? I guess I just have to really be tough or else it will all fall apart. When I let the tears come, I'm afraid they will never stop. The intensity frightens me, I guess that is why I never let them come.