Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 8:55:07
i quit seeing t. and pdoc awhile ago. i felt it wasn't helping. (I can go into that another time.) i finally worked up the nerve to make an appt for this morning (in an hour or so). i'm having the urge to cancel the appointment.. thinking "what kind of help am i going to really get? probably none at all. i'm wasting everyone's time." among other pessimistic thoughts. i'm hoping that if i write here and kill time, i'll realise it's time to leave and i'll just go in on autopilot. i wrote down a list of statements i wanted to tell him since in the past i always felt cheated with my time and never got to say what i wanted to say. maybe this time will be different. i also feel funny going when i don't feel particularly bad. well. i do feel bad, but i don't feel *as* bad as what i was feeling a couple of weeks ago. i worry that nothing's changed, but that i've become numb to my feelings. just working on autopilot.i feel silly walking in with a list of crap i want to talk about. i feel silly going at all, but i don't know what else to do.
i hope that this time is different.
i feel very vague this morning. i'm having trouble articulating specific ideas and notions. i wonder if this will mean a bad visit. "i have nothing to say but that i know there's something wrong with me." i can't imagine that statement getting very far. i haven't had much luck with therapy in the past.