Posted by tinydancer on May 3, 2004, at 2:03:06
In reply to tinydancer, can you talk more...., posted by crushedout on May 2, 2004, at 15:07:54
I'm happy to discuss it with you, but there isn't much to report currently.
Because of the nature of my disorder and my background I know he is wary about hurting me, intentionally or unintentionally, by touching me. Obviously if you know the patient is in love with you it sets up some difficult and complex problems that he has taken into consideration.
When I told him about some childhood abuse I went through, after the appointment I really wanted a hug. So, I cautiously and shyly asked if that was okay. He wanted to, but he felt constricted by what my alters might feel about it and in the end he held my hand for a minute as an alternative way of touching and making contact.
It's been very hard for me to deal with the distance between us, many times I wish he would just put his arm around me or hold my hand when I'm really struggling. I think that maybe someday he might, but not until he feels that the outcome will not be detrimental.
As I told you I recently told him that I just wished sometimes I could sit in his lap. I was actually amazed the first time I heard of such a thing-and wondered why this was something I wanted suddenly. This weekend suddenly I got a completely new fantasy in my head-I saw myself sitting on this big, cozy couch in front of the TV. I was sitting in between my T and his wife and they were smiling at me both like they were really proud of me and they both had cuddled up close to me sort of protecting me. Today is my appointment so I will bring that up to him and let you know where that discussion goes.
When I asked him about it he said if he really felt it would help he would do it. In some ways I think he would be more willing to do it with some of my alters, rather than me, because of the possible misinterpretation quotient.
He has stated that he almost never touches patients, which actually surprises me a lot because he is so kind and warm that it seems like he would-gotta find out about that one as well!
We talked about 15 minutes about Paul Vereshack. I had sent him the link to the site and he read the first two chapters of the online book. He had not heard of Paul Vereshack but was familiar with primal therapy and we discussed some of the theories. I was talking about how apparently he would lay down with patients on a mat, side to side, face to face and that sounded so confrontational to me. So then he was asking if it was him would I still be uncomfortable, and I think was a little unsure-I said that I think I would like it but that the message it would send to me would not be a therapeutic one, I would probably, even though I would "know" better intellectually, think that he "likes" me.
It is so strange that I have these urges suddenly to be held by my T, because I usually hate being held by anyone, especially my husband. (Nice, huh?) In my adolescence I was always teased by my mom and dad because I would bend at the waist whenever I hugged anyone because I didn't want any intimate contact. It is sad what abuse does to a person. It makes me sad that the very thing that could have helped me I have pushed away for so many years and am so afraid of.
I hope that eventually my T and I can get to a place where it is possible to have some kind of holding or touch, I mean I'm not expecting to get down on the floor or anything, but just an arm around me for comfort, to be able to feel taken care of and comforted in that way. But at the same time I'm very frightened to let anyone get that close to me-I have so many fears about letting people in that close which is why I think eventually this is going to be a big issue in therapy, and I'm interested to find out how we are going to deal with it.
I'll do my best to keep you updated on how its going and get back to you about today's appointment as soon as I'm up to it. Meanwhile, feel free to contact me at:
Sending you lots of hugs and hang in there! :)