Posted by Racer on May 1, 2004, at 4:33:24
In reply to DATING insecurities neediness, posted by devon00 on April 30, 2004, at 23:48:01
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> 1. AFFECTION - I am very shy about showing affection. It takes me a while to trust someone and come out of my shell in that regard. I am very shy about kissing, touching, etc. Although I crave physical affection, I tense up because I fear rejection. I worry that men see that as a lack of chemistry. Sometimes I just don’t feel “in my own skin.”
>You probably already know that that's not an unusual trait, right? And you're in very good company with it -- MINE, for one -- so don't beat yourself up over it, just figure out what to do about it. My suggestions have to do with those four words at the end of that paragraph: get yourself into your own skin. Have you considered Pilates? I know, it's like a cult these days, but I saw a lot of my former students just turn totally around after starting it. It really does seem to help with exactly that.
My second suggestion is this: it's perfectly OK to be physically reserved. You don't have to hug and kiss everybody, no matter how much everyone else seems to find it acceptable. I've finally learned to say things like, "I'm just not comfortable being hugged by people I don't know well." If someone else finds me cold because of it? That's their problem. (And with a few more years of practice at it, I might even believe that myself...) My guess is that what comes across to people and causes problems for you is the conflict between your natural impulse not to allow that sort of casual contact, and your insecurity making you think that that's an indication of something wrong with you. Guess what? It's your skin, you live in it, if you don't want someone else to touch it, that is your ABSOLUTE INVIOLATE RIGHT. We've got so few of those, don't waste this one, eh? ;-)
> 2. SELF ESTEEM - Also, I know my low self esteem and lack of confidence are probably unattractive qualities, but i just don't know how to fix this lifelong problem.
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Sure you do, you know exactly what you need to fix this lifelong problem -- and it starts with therapy, right? If I had any answers about specifics I'd give 'em to you, but I don't. The best I can offer is to find a good therapist and explore ways of improving your self image. Beyond that, something to help you become more comfortable in your own skin would likely help a lot. (Trust me on this one -- I'm too tired to go into my experience in this area, but it's professional as well as personal. You can trust me, I'm an Expert.) So, I guess this is another vote for Pilates...Good luck!
poster:Racer
thread:342037
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040426/msgs/342093.html