Posted by DaisyM on April 7, 2004, at 19:46:23
I had a great session today. Not in an "aha-- that's what's wrong!" kind of way...but easy, upbeat, and very different from the past few weeks. I knew going in that I didn't want him to "wreck" my good mood -- So I talked a lot at the very beginning about nothing much. He commented on my mood, and then asked if I had been nervous coming in and if I was worried about what to talk about. I admitted to this so we had the "therapy can be for support only for a while" conversation again. We also talked about mood swings and how I dealt with things prior to therapy. (I didn't deal with them, I just worked more.) But I wouldn't let him go deep with anything and he didn't push very much.
At the very end I told him I felt this need to move away from him right now, lessen the bond a little, but I wasn't sure why. He joked about being put out to pasture but wants to keep talking about what might be happening. I told him I was thinking that I was ready to cut back on sessions and given that I had been seeing him almost a year, maybe I was getting ready to be done. He made that face (like "umm, excuse me? Weren't you in here everyday last week?") but only made some soft comment like, "ah, a flight into health."
Driving back, I tried to figure out what all this means. I do feel good. I took on a bunch of new projects at work, my house is clean, there are groceries in the cupboards and the laundry is done. I'm not overwhelmed by flashbacks or intrusive memories. I'm not even currently fighting with my spouse. So cutting back feels right.
I don't really understand what his comment means. And there is a tiny part of me that wonders if I might be testing him...just an inkling of an idea that I might have my psychi-armor back on and I want to see if he'll allow me to keep it on and separate from him or if he will demand authenticity, and work to keep the attachment, even if it is painful. And I truly don't know which thing I'd rather happen.
Is this another phase of therapy I'm hitting? The thought of having spent a whole year in therapy looms large, so is this what is driving some of this? Or maybe I'm just tired of feeling sorry for myself and crummy all the time, so I'm taking control of my life back.
I could use some input.
Daisy
poster:DaisyM
thread:333848
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040402/msgs/333848.html