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Re: Gardenergirl, thank you so much.

Posted by Dinah on March 7, 2004, at 10:09:49

In reply to Re: Gardenergirl, may I ask a question?, posted by gardenergirl on March 6, 2004, at 23:00:20

That was exactly what I needed. A structure to help me sort out my tangled thoughts. Because I think I was getting mixed up between the first and third types of relationship. I feel utterly confident in the first type with my therapist. I feel like I've got a handle on the second. I'm aware of the transference in my viewing him as my therapistmommy, and we've thoroughly discussed it.

But it's the third part of the relationship that I'm struggling with now, and he's not very good at helping me distinguish that. Maybe because I'm not very good at explaining. And maybe it's becoming a problem now just because we've been together so long and the relationship has evolved - at least on my part.

I've seen him for nine years, one to two hours a week. One to two hours doesn't seem like that much, far less than I see my coworkers, but it's such an *intense* one to two hours.

And my feelings for him as a fellow human being have evolved in a way that would be natural and nonthreatening in a normal, even work type, relationship. But that seem threatening in the context of a therapeutic relationship.

I've seen him tired and sick and when he really shouldn't be at work. I've seen him happy and humming. I've seen him struggle to express himself and struggle to overcome negative feelings. I know that he has a tendency to get crabby when he's overworked. And am glad that he doesn't try to do too much anymore. I noticed that he got a bit depressed around his birthday, until he got married and now he doesn't anymore. And I'm glad because that means he must be content now. I've grown to see some of the things that originally annoyed me (nose picking, his love for "things", his perfectly shiny shoes and pressed clothing, and the fact that he must get a haircut at least weekly) as charming little boy facets of his character.

In short, I've grown to care about him as a person. Not in that I want to IM him every day, or go to restaurants with him. He doesn't use the internet. :O He watches all the wrong TV shows. :O His idea of what's fun is so removed from that of my husband and I that I wouldn't want to hang out with him. But I care about him.

And with that caring comes a desire not to displease him, and perhaps a desire to please him as well. And he uses that when it suits him. He knows that I fight self injury more because he doesn't want me to do it than for any reason of my own. And it hurts when he's angry with me.

And somehow his saying that I didn't need to worry about making him angry or pleasing him seemed to discount that third part of the relationship. And that hurt, I guess.

Because in some ways, I do know he's engaged at the third level, though not as much as I am. He stayed to keep my appointment through threatening weather the last day at his old office. I asked why he didn't cancel, since the rest of the office had shut down, and he answered that he knew the office meant a lot to me and he didn't want me to lose my last chance of seeing it. In fact, during those last days at the old office, he showed in a lot of ways that he felt some fondness for me. Waxing nostalgic I guess. But now in his shiny new office he seems more distant.

He says he feels some fondness for me, and I suppose that may be true. If only for longevity. :) I'm his longest term client by far.

But again thank you for your answer. I'm going to study it, try to sort out my thoughts, and decide if it's something that's appropriate to bring up with him.

(I can't share this post though. I can't let him know I tell you guys about the nose picking.)

 

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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Dinah thread:320672
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040303/msgs/321555.html