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Re: You're all easy graders DaisyM

Posted by fallsfall on February 18, 2004, at 8:04:36

In reply to Re: You're all easy graders fallsfall, posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 23:23:44

> I know you are right but I can't let him know all of the real me because right now I don't know who I am completely.

I find that it is easier to discover the real me if I'm not alone. That's why I Babble, and IM and email and phone and go to therapy. My own vision of the world is too narrow to accomodate the expanded view of myself. I need others to help stretch the walls so that my self-view can grow.

P.S. You are not EXPECTED to have finished all of your work when you begin therapy... If you were finished, you wouldn't need to be there.

> When I first started therapy I actually said, "I've forgotten how to have fun." I've never found baths, massages or nature hikes relaxing. I get bored fast, I even watch TV while reading or working on my computer. Always multi-task was a lesson learned from mom very early on. Plus I'm a clutz...I do OK playing with little kids for awhile though. Maybe that is a thread to consider - how to have fun. How to play.

I can make the list of how to play and have fun, and I can even do the things on the list. But the problem is that when I'm doing the things on the list, I'm just checking things off on the list - I don't actually have fun while I'm doing it. (I'm pretty hopeless...)

> I'm realizing more and more that it isn't my Therapist that I don't trust. I don't trust myself to handle all these intense emotions.

EXACTLY. This is why I "bury" my current issue between sessions. I am terrified to see how deep my need is. I'm afraid that by the time I see the whole thing that it will have already swallowed me up.

But I brought it out in my session, and my terror and pain were so intense and so clear. But my therapist didn't freak. He listened and understood and then he calmly put things in perspective. He WAS able to contain it. He DID close it down before I left his office. Usually I leave his office in a complete disarray of tears and over the next 30 - 60 minutes I organize what went on in the session and can start to function. Monday when I left his office I was completely in control - I had stopped crying, I didn't need to stand in the hallway before I could face the real world. I won't open this up again until I am with him - because I don't trust myself to handle all of these emotions, but I DO trust HIM to.
> I do hear you though. I'm trying. It is painful and hard and scary. And I'm worried that I'll find out that the little kid inside me is a brat and deserved some of what she got.

I can't imagine that ANY part of someone as wonderful as you could be such a brat. NO CHILD DESERVES what you got as a child. You didn't cause things to happen. It wasn't your fault. You know that for everyone else - well, it applies to you, too.

((((((Daisy - big and little))))))




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