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Re: You're all easy graders » DaisyM

Posted by fallsfall on February 17, 2004, at 13:24:33

In reply to You're all easy graders, posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 9:59:21

> I think part of what I am upset about (2am clarity?) is that I didn't make it clear that while the little girl might want these things, *I* in no way expect my Therapist to provide them. I KNOW they aren't reasonable.

He knows that you don't expect this, and he knows that you know that they aren't reasonable. ("He said he knew I would say that, that it was OK what I said and what I needed. ")
>I don't want to have this enormous need exposed.

Why not? The enormous need is a FACT. You can either deal with the fact or deny the fact. So far, in your life you have been denying - has this helped? So you need to deal with it. Dealing with it does not necessarily mean that you give in to it and move into his house so he can hold you at 3AM. Dealing with it means that you accept that it IS your need and then you try to find a way to fill the parts that you can, and reduce the parts that you can't. You can't deal with it if you don't know what it is. You need to accept this need, and then you can start to try to be more realistic about it.

>I picture him now thinking, "this woman is going to turn into an obsessed fool and I will never get any peace. We can't do therapy 24/7." *I* don't want that, my life was pretty busy and complicated without therapy.

I am sure that he is not thinking that you are going to turn into an obsessed fool. He knows what your adult thinks. You don’t need to do therapy 24/7 (just because your child wants to doesn’t mean that she will get what she wants). But you DO need to do SOME therapy. Don’t get so spooked that you run away.
>And I keep coming back to the idea that I still don't understand the rules for therapy. I have allowed my Therapist to provide support and strength and I have confessed the times that he became a life line. But his take on my description was that I still won't let him help me. Maybe I just don't know how to do that. Maybe I should use the cliff analogy and try to figure out how to make that leap.

T -- "You are still holding back."
D -- "Not holding back as much as stopping short. I self-edit, I can't help it."
T - "Is there anything I can do to make it safer for you so you don't have to hold back?"

He’s not saying you won’t let him help you. He’s saying that you could let him help you MORE. There are days in therapy where I feel like I’m reading the newspaper to my therapist, and there are other days when I am speaking from the deepest part of my soul – where I say what is really TRUE. Sometimes I preface it with “This will sound strange, but…” But on a really good therapy day he gets the words straight from my soul. I did need to decide that I would let him see my soul – I needed to feel that I could trust him to care for my soul. But since my issues are with my Self – that IS at the soul level. He can’t help me if I don’t give him access to the truth about my Self.

Do you know that your therapist cares about you? Do you know that he WILL make decisions based on what is best for YOU (as a good therapist should)? Do you know that he is on your side? If you know these three things, then he will take as good care of you as you will (maybe even better care). So stop self-editing. Stop worrying about what he will think of you (the worst he will think is that you have issues that he needs to help you with). He WANTS to know who you really are – all of you. He is not going to judge you – he is going to help you. He will work WITH you to make the changes that YOU want to make. But he will be much more effective if he knows all of the real you.

Is there a risk? Of course there is. But, honestly, what are your alternatives?
> *sigh* Too much to think about. And the little girl in me is throwing a tantrum because I want to put her back away. I'm going to have to break out the heavy artillery today: cover her up with a suit, heels and pearls!

She has been stuffed away most of her life. Don't you think she has been put away enough? When does she get "her" time? She didn't get her time when you were little. If she did, she wouldn't have this enormous need. I think you should take her to the park and let her swing on the swings. Let her know that she IS an important part of you.

I don't know if I have a little girl. I don't think I ever WAS a little girl. I don't know how to play, I don't know how to relax, I don't know how to just "be". I have to always be "working on" something. Over the last 9 years, I have looked really hard for my little girl, but I've only seen her a couple of times. When I try to "play" so that she can come out, I end up working too hard at "playing".

Cherish your little girl, and know that her needs are real, and know that your adult and your therapist can satisfy her (without completely meeting her needs). She deserves that, doesn't she?




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