Posted by DaisyM on February 16, 2004, at 23:29:11
I told my Therapist about my description of how things are feeling right now, the deep end of the pool, etc. He was upset that I had him outside of the pool "still".
T -- "Don't you believe that I can help you?" he asked.
D -- "I believe that you are holding me together but that ultimately I have to learn to be OK with what happened to me and only I can do that" I said.
T -- "You are still holding back."
D -- "Not holding back as much as stopping short. I self-edit, I can't help it."
T - "Is there anything I can do to make it safer for you so you don't have to hold back?"I said no, that I thought it was me, it just felt so dangerous to have told anyone all this stuff and to continue to reveal the ugly parts of me every session. That I felt like a child much of the time and had to fight hard to keep the adult in control. He said he knows how hard it is but he wanted to know what the little girl wanted from him, no editing from the adult. So I let her tell him I wanted him to keep me safe, I wanted him to not let me down, to always be available, to not take vacations, or Holidays or sick days, etc. She wants him to fight for what is best for her, not what is best for the rest of the world. She wanted him to understand how alone she feels and how painful all this is. And how confused she is. He said he was doing his best to understand it all and to make a safe place for her. And he knew she wanted these things from him. He wanted her to know she could tell him anything.
Then the adult me freaked out and backed off, told him I knew this was way too much to ask of anyone. He said he knew I would say that, that it was OK what I said and what I needed. And that we would keep talking about it. I told him it was just too hard to identify a need that could not be met.
Now I am imploding...how could I have told him all that? And why do I feel so amazingly bad to have said it?
poster:DaisyM
thread:314418
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040211/msgs/314418.html