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Re: Marriage counseling and individual therapy, ideas? Racer

Posted by fallsfall on February 16, 2004, at 22:14:38

In reply to Marriage counseling and individual therapy, ideas?, posted by Racer on February 16, 2004, at 15:21:31

Racer,

I hope that you can learn from my mistakes and pain.

My husband went to individual therapy (and the 4 of us met a number of times) and to couples therapy with me. He dutifully went and talked, but didn't believe that he needed to make any changes. He was just there "for me". When I announced in Couples Therapy that I wanted a separation he was truly amazed. He did not see it coming. I still don't know what he thought we were doing in Couple's Therapy.

So, I guess my advice would be to somehow make it clear that you are expecting him to change some of his behaviors - because his behaviors are not perfect. If he is like my husband, you will need to be almost cruelly blunt. You might also need to say that if his behavior stays the same that you think the marriage is in jeopardy (if that is true) - or whatever your bottom line is.

There is a book, "The dance of anger", that isn't about anger. It is about relationships. And it talks about how when one person changes in a relationship that the other person ALSO HAS TO CHANGE - because otherwise the relationship becomes unbalanced. Could the two of you read that book outloud together? The book will show that, even if he HAD no problems, that if YOU are changing, that he will have to change, too.

I couldn't believe it when my husband was surprised that I had had enough - I thought I had been really clear. I wish you luck!

 

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