Posted by Dinah on February 13, 2004, at 11:54:23
In reply to Validation, posted by Rigby on February 12, 2004, at 21:05:26
I do need validation, but I'm not sure I need the same sort. I think I'm pretty aware of what I do well and what I do not so well and what I do dreadfully. And I don't need validation about myself or my capabilities or strengths so much.
Where I *do* need tons of validation is with him, whether I can trust him, whether he is who I think he is and our relationship is what I think it is, whether he actually cares or just likes my money, whether he sighs when he sees my name in his appointment book. What's "real" and what's my projection onto him of what I need him to be. And if I'm building something that I really rely upon on the basis of nothing more than fantasy.
He was fussing at me yesterday about it. Saying that I was projecting my fears onto him. That he hadn't done anything to make me feel that he was anything other than what I've thought him to be or our relationship is anything other than what I thought it was.
I told him that I was afraid that he, and the relationship between us, was all on my side and wasn't based in reality. And he told me he couldn't reassure me because he didn't know what I thought our relationship was, or what I thought he was. Immensely frustrating, as I didn't know what he wanted, and he refused to ask. He said I needed to tell him if I wanted to know. It felt like a huge game of withholding and hide and seek, and I'm guessing it felt the same thing on his side. That I was asking for something from him without making clear what it was.
So I asked the standard questions. That I thought he was at least mildly fond of me. (He said yes). That I thought he would care if something bad happened to me (He said yes). That he didn't sigh when he saw his name in the appt book (he laughed). That he would care if I quit coming. He told me that that would of course be my choice. I fussed at him that that wasn't what I asked. And he said yes, he would care, but that as a therapist it was part of his life that it was the client's choice. I asked if he would just miss the income stream, and he laughed and said no.
I told him I knew he had problems with dependent women and was a bit put off by that in me. He didn't comment. And that I thought he was slightly repulsed by my grooming and odd appearance. And he got mad and said of course not, why would I say that. And I reminded him of the time he said something like that. And he said he meant other people might accept me better, not that it was something that repulsed him.
He fussed all along that he had already told me these things. And I guess that's true. But how do you *know* what's real? It's not like he would tell me that he couldn't stand me. Sigh.
And somehow I think I didn't ask the questions that I really had in mind, because I don't know what they were. And I'm a bit angry with him for not helping me figure them out.
I know he wants me to take responsibility, and probably doesn't want me to need validation or caring or reassurance from him.
And maybe he's right. But......
I feel so needy. And not righteously needy like an infant. But greedily needy. Like I'm trying to suck something from him.
Sigh.
poster:Dinah
thread:312615
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040211/msgs/312849.html